Thanks guys... all done and worked like a charm. Or rather would have worked like a charm if were better at following instructions.
Only thing I really wasted time on was the whole internal-vs-external storage issue. I kept copying stuff onto internal storage and then wondered why it didn't find the zip file... of course in my defense this computer has an unreasonable number of drives attached so the extra volume wasn't immediately obvious.
Last question (promise), can I now install the update that Verizon has been prompting me about for weeks? Or is there some way to make it stop bugging me about it?