Thanks a ton, man.
Flashing the stock recovery through CWM Recovery did work, and I visited a VZW store yesterday. They took one look at my perpetual 4G LTE logo, tried to factory reset it, and then arranged for a replacement to be shipped overnight. I did have to call customer service after getting my name added to the account in order to finish the deal, but their menu wasn't too hard to navigate. Just keep dialing 4 for "Other options". :P
Honestly, I have to their customer service a thumbs up. If it weren't for the fact that something did
go wrong with my phone under warranty, I'd feel guilty.
(I know how I screwed up the partition table, and it's because I was trying to fix another problem)