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Old August 27th, 2010, 11:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Tongue Chuck Norris

I know there is an app for this but it doesn't have all of the Chuck Norris jokes on there....

So if you got one post it here.

"Chuck Norris doesn't breathe he holds air hostage."

"Chuck Norris WILL survive in 2012."

"Chuck Norris cried once, but God made him promise not to ever flood the earth again."

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Old August 28th, 2010, 12:08 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 12:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion, now Neo is "The Two"
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Old August 28th, 2010, 12:50 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris can divide by zero
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Old August 28th, 2010, 12:52 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris invented Water.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Jesus walks on water, Chuck Norris can swim through concrete
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:09 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Type exactly this on google.com "google chuck norris" then hit the I'm feeling lucky button
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nmayer79 View Post
Type exactly this on google.com "google chuck norris" then hit the I'm feeling lucky button
done a long time ago, and i am still running, hence the current location, oh snap time to bug out Chuck Norris is coming....
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:23 AM   #9 (permalink)
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FACT:Chuck Norris once fell while climbing in California. It is now known as the San Andreas Fault.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:28 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Fact: Chuck Norris hates when people capitalize every word in a sentence.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:33 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Fact: Chuck Norris hates when people capitalize every word in a sentence.
Nice!
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:45 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a klondike bar

Chuck Norris can drown you with air

The sun can't look chuck norris directly in the eyes

Chuck Norris beat his own shadow at rock, paper, sissors
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:47 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nmayer79 View Post
Type exactly this on google.com "google chuck norris" then hit the I'm feeling lucky button
This is by far the best thing that I have seen on my computer since I first discovered porn
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:50 AM   #14 (permalink)
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lol. and hey roxors, im changing. i might do it sometimes but im truely changing! lol
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:52 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris isn't allowed to wash his clothes in the oceans anymore. The tsunamies were killing too many people.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 01:53 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyTechnoBoy View Post
lol. and hey roxors, im changing. i might do it sometimes but im truely changing! lol
LMAO that works for me, i just thought of it so posted it
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Old August 28th, 2010, 02:01 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris burns ants with a magnified glass at night.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 02:30 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Just made this one up myself:

Chuck Norris can hold an iphone 4 any way he wants.

No? No? ah whadya know bout comedy
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Old August 28th, 2010, 02:57 AM   #19 (permalink)
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When Bruce Banner gets angry he turns in the incredible hulk, when the incredible hulk gets angry he turns into huck Norris.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 02:58 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris likes to knit quilts...and by 'knit' I mean 'kick', and by 'quilts' I mean 'babies'.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 02:58 AM   #21 (permalink)
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When Chuck Norris was born, the attending nurse screamed, "OH MY GOD, IT'S CHUCK NORRIS!!!" and promptly had sex with him. By this time, this was the third person Chuck Norris had slept with.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 02:59 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris hides his pillow underneath his gun.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 03:00 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 04:31 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood just never his own.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 09:41 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 11:43 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris once beat the sun in a staring contest


When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 11:44 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris was on Deal or No Deal the bankers first offer was $1 million dollars, never try to bargin with Chuck Norris.

It is an obvious fact that Chuck Norris has been to Mars, seeing as there is absolutely NO life on Mars.

Chuck Norris once won the title of Iron Chef by cooking instant ramen noodles

Chuck Norris has never been rickrolled in Youtube.

There is no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to mow his lawn, He dares the grass to grow.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris got into a knife fight. The knife lost.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a shadow. His shadow isn't stupid enough to follow him around.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

When Chuck Norris chops an onion, the onion cries.

When Chuck Norris gets bit by a vampire, the vampire turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 11:48 AM   #28 (permalink)
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With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is worried about his drinking habit.

Chuck Norris can cleanly stab someone with a ball.

Chuck Norris can win a game of connect four in three moves
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Old August 28th, 2010, 05:40 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Talking Chuck Norris Jokes

w
Quote:
Originally Posted by OfTheDamned View Post
Chuck Norris was on Deal or No Deal the bankers first offer was $1 million dollars, never try to bargin with Chuck Norris.

It is an obvious fact that Chuck Norris has been to Mars, seeing as there is absolutely NO life on Mars.

Chuck Norris once won the title of Iron Chef by cooking instant ramen noodles

Chuck Norris has never been rickrolled in Youtube.

There is no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to mow his lawn, He dares the grass to grow.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris got into a knife fight. The knife lost.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a shadow. His shadow isn't stupid enough to follow him around.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

When Chuck Norris chops an onion, the onion cries.

When Chuck Norris gets bit by a vampire, the vampire turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
whether this stuff came right off the dome or from the link, this [expletives ] is fuuunnny LOL.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 05:57 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Wink chuck norris jokes

Chuck Norris never carries tear gas. The lethal gases from his bowels can kill enemies instantly. Hope no one posted this.
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Old August 28th, 2010, 08:09 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Old August 28th, 2010, 08:29 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris once walked down a New York City block with an erection.. there were no survivors
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Old August 29th, 2010, 01:23 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris once sneezed.... then the Universe was created.

Chuck Norris had sex with himself... nine seconds later God was born.

Once Chuck Norris entered a restaurant, it went from a 1 star McDonalds to a 15 star high end restaurant....

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, he can see in the dark and prefers killing in it.

Chuck Norris owns a G1, it singlehandedly kicks ass and beats the Nexus One, the Droid 2, The DX, the DI, the Evo 4G, the Entire Galaxy S line, all of HTC phone's ever, and the Dell Streak. Oh, and the reason he doesn't use it is because Steve Jobs is secretly renting it for $5k a second.
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Old August 30th, 2010, 12:59 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris... (what more needs to be said)
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:02 AM   #35 (permalink)
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How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck was Chuck Norris
All of it.
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:03 AM   #36 (permalink)
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A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:06 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a golf ball.
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:06 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris thanked nmayer79
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:07 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:09 AM   #40 (permalink)
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When God said let there be light, Chuck Norris said say please.

Chuck Norris counted to Infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris was supposed to play the lead role in Mission: Impossible. He was replaced by Tom Cruise because the tittle wouldn't make any sense.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

A blind man ran into Chuck Norris and got his sight back. Unfortunately, the first and last thing he saw was a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris stares at the Sun, the Sun goes blind.

Chuck Norris hears sign language

Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards...just to see what second place looks like.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

whenever Chuck Norris tells a lie it instantly becomes Fact

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

Chuck Norris doesn't jump he stares at gravity and it changes direction.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

There is no Escape button in Chuck Norris's computer because Chuck Norris escapes from nobody.
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:15 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris is the only person IOWA won't argue with...
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:19 AM   #42 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin he built with his own hands.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

Chuck Norris can hear silence.

Similar to a russian nesting doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open, you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

It's no use crying over spilled milk. Unless it's Chuck Norris' milk, because then your gonna die.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can mix oil and vinegar, permanently.

Chuck Norris played russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:22 AM   #43 (permalink)
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I wonder what it would take to get Chuck Norris to check out this thread.
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:23 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxors View Post
Chuck Norris is the only person IOWA won't argue with...
I won't argue with IOWA. He's my mentor.

Google had to ask me permission to use the name Android.
 
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:25 AM   #45 (permalink)
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I won't argue with IOWA. He's my mentor.

Google had to ask me permission to use the name Android.
Way to let the big secret out.
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:26 AM   #46 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris Can Kiss My Ass! Let's See If That Works! (Caps And Insult!) No Actual Insult Intended?

Damn It! He Came Too Early!
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:26 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck.Norris View Post
I won't argue with IOWA. He's my mentor.

Google had to ask me permission to use the name Android.
^hmm, not sure how i feel about that one..........
Chuck Norris can have multiple user accounts



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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:28 AM   #48 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyTechnoBoy View Post
Chuck Norris Can Kiss My Ass! Let's See If That Works! (Caps And Insult!) No Actual Insult Intended?

Damn It! He Came Too Early!
Those who speak ill of Chuck Norris will really be the most hated on AF.....

If i were you i would run for as fast as you can for as long as you can, though it won't help because Chuck Norris already knows where you will be.
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:34 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Nope no multiple accounts for me... I read the rules!


Hmmm guess i stand corrected....... only leaves one other person
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Old August 30th, 2010, 01:58 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris once got a girl pregnant through phone sex.
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