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Old February 18th, 2013, 11:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Worst weekend ever.

So I'm trying to refrain from being that guy who pours his troubles out on the Interwebs, but I feel like I need to vent more than anything.

I just had the worst weekend I've had in a while. It sucked. This weekend this is what happened:

1. A good friend of mine got tossed out of her house by her stepdad. She's 18 and came home one day to find herself locked out. She's a good kid who has never caused problems for anyone. Her dad on the other hand is kind of psycho. Literally kicked her out in the cold with nothing more than the clothes on her back.

2. Another good friend of mine who's 20 called her parents Friday night to let them know that she is moving in with a guy that no one has ever met and also that she's severing all ties with them and with her friends. Neither her parents, nor any of her friends have met this guy or know anything about him and she's severing all ties with us and moving in w/him. Needless to say her parents and her siblings are extremely broken up.

3. I found out that my parents are broke. This kills me. They are borrowing on a home equity loan and from their 401k every month just to make ends meet. Their home and cars are all paid for. At the end of the day it's because my dad is misbehaving with money and won't stop. This has been going on for nearly two years now and they've been spiralling downward slowly until they're where they are now. My mom wants to sell their paid for house, but my dad really doesn't want to. I don't think it will fix the problem anyway since it's a behavioral problem at the end of the day. My mom is completely freaked out. My pastor is trying to help them out advice wise and counseling them on how to fix the behavioral problem that is at the root of everything, but my dad doesn't want to listen. He is stubborn (that's where I get it from) and seems to think he's right.

So I spent my weekend trying to help my friends make sense of why their lives are falling apart and having no answers and then finding out that my parents life is falling apart and having no answers. I just want to crawl back in bed at this point and stay there until the world makes sense again. Part of me gets the feeling that won't be any time soon.

Just felt the need to vent more than anything. If anyone has any advice on any of these situations I'm open to it. Some other friends of mine are putting up the girl who got thrown out. I have no idea how to fix the second situation as the girl won't accept any contact from any of us. No idea how to fix my parents either. I'm in a position to actually support them if I had to, but any money I give to them right now I think just enables my dad instead of helping him. It sucks though. I feel so helpless.

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Old February 18th, 2013, 11:02 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Sounds terrible, sorry to hear about it A.non.
Hopefully, some of that great karma you spread around comes back to you.
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Old February 18th, 2013, 11:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear of your troubles mate, hope things for all improves soon.... Not much use but I'd say there is little you can do other than be there for everyone best you can and probably are, don't do anything as there is little you can except beat shoulder to cry on type of thing!

Keep up the good work, although it may not feel like it, your already making a difference! :-)
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Old February 18th, 2013, 08:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by A.Nonymous View Post
So I'm trying to refrain from being that guy who pours his troubles out on the Interwebs, but I feel like I need to vent more than anything.
It's okay. I do it, too. My mom's dying and I'm not coping with it very well, and I find writing about it helpful.

Quote:
1. A good friend of mine got tossed out of her house by her stepdad. She's 18 and came home one day to find herself locked out. She's a good kid who has never caused problems for anyone. Her dad on the other hand is kind of psycho. Literally kicked her out in the cold with nothing more than the clothes on her back.
Since he's nuts, it's probably good that she's out of the house, but definitely NOT good that she was thrown out with nothing, and with nowhere to go. She should be able to have the police escort her to the house [to 'keep the peace'] while she retrieves her belongings.

Quote:
2. Another good friend of mine who's 20 called her parents Friday night to let them know that she is moving in with a guy that no one has ever met and also that she's severing all ties with them and with her friends. Neither her parents, nor any of her friends have met this guy or know anything about him and she's severing all ties with us and moving in w/him. Needless to say her parents and her siblings are extremely broken up.
Sounds like a classic case of hooking up with someone who's VERY controlling, probably a bit of a whack job, very possessive, and has convinced her that she doesn't need anyone but him. Keep trying to contact her; at some point she may allow you back in.

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3. I found out that my parents are broke. This kills me. They are borrowing on a home equity loan and from their 401k every month just to make ends meet. Their home and cars are all paid for. At the end of the day it's because my dad is misbehaving with money and won't stop. This has been going on for nearly two years now and they've been spiralling downward slowly until they're where they are now. My mom wants to sell their paid for house, but my dad really doesn't want to. I don't think it will fix the problem anyway since it's a behavioral problem at the end of the day. My mom is completely freaked out. My pastor is trying to help them out advice wise and counseling them on how to fix the behavioral problem that is at the root of everything, but my dad doesn't want to listen. He is stubborn (that's where I get it from) and seems to think he's right.
Wow. That's awful.

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No idea how to fix my parents either.
You can't. THEY'RE the only ones who can 'fix' themselves, and only if they want to be fixed. You can encourage them to get help, but they have to want it--and admit they need it--before anything will improve.

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I'm in a position to actually support them if I had to, but any money I give to them right now I think just enables my dad instead of helping him. It sucks though. I feel so helpless.
Whatever you do, don't give them actual MONEY. In other words, if they say they need help paying the electric bill, pay the power company yourself, don't give your parents the money to pay the bill. If they say they need groceries, go with them to the store, or buy the groceries yourself. And so on. This way there's no chance that whatever your dad's problem is will be fed by your money.
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Old February 18th, 2013, 09:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Since he's nuts, it's probably good that she's out of the house, but definitely NOT good that she was thrown out with nothing, and with nowhere to go. She should be able to have the police escort her to the house [to 'keep the peace'] while she retrieves her belongings.
It's made weirder by the fact that her mom still lives there, but she can't. Very bizarre. The guy is a nut. His sister is actually raising his kids because of how he is. She's 18 and works at a Dairy Queen and he thinks she's going to survive on her own? It's not like she's some lazy kid who needs to get off their butt either. She's a good kid. Found out some other friends are going to give her a more permanent place to stay in a week or so. She probably is better off, but still a very weird situation.

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Sounds like a classic case of hooking up with someone who's VERY controlling, probably a bit of a whack job, very possessive, and has convinced her that she doesn't need anyone but him. Keep trying to contact her; at some point she may allow you back in.
You may be right, but to me it's a weirder situation than the previous one. For all we knew she was happy, single, not interested in anyone at the moment. Then she just calls her parents out of the blue to let them know she's moving in with some guy that literally no one had ever met or even heard of. For all we know the guy is fictional. Just came out of now where. Felt like someone just clobbered us with a sledge hammer for no reason.

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You can't. THEY'RE the only ones who can 'fix' themselves, and only if they want to be fixed. You can encourage them to get help, but they have to want it--and admit they need it--before anything will improve.
Honestly, I don't think there's a they here. It's a him thing. My mom doesn't work. She has no say in the finances which is sad. He is the only income earner in the house and doesn't want to fix anything. My mom really has no power here. She can't squirrel away money anywhere. Both of their names are on the checking accounts. It's horrible. If I ever get married I am NOT running my finances this way. If I do, you have my permission to reach across the Internet and club me.

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Whatever you do, don't give them actual MONEY. In other words, if they say they need help paying the electric bill, pay the power company yourself, don't give your parents the money to pay the bill. If they say they need groceries, go with them to the store, or buy the groceries yourself. And so on. This way there's no chance that whatever your dad's problem is will be fed by your money.
This is good advice. If they ever come to me for money I will remember this.
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Old February 19th, 2013, 07:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
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its simple apply situation 1 to your dad and situation 2 to your mom, problem solved. But on a serious note...

1. I have not seen too many people getting kicked out for no reason, there has to be more to the stpry. Does she gets home late? smokes? drinks? what about her grades? is she in college? does she work? going out with too many guys?
And of ofcause, its not really your problem, sorry if its going to sound rude, but stick your nose to your oen business and let herself deal with it.

2. So what was the reason for not letting anyone know? Not a smart move, and again its not on your shoulders in anyway.

3. Do you work? I mean, even if you are in high school, you can manage to help your parents with at least $1k a month. If your father can not be a responsible head of the family, take his place. Read on how you can save bunch of money on bills online, fatwallet.com forum would be a good place to start. Look for coupons when buy things. I'm pretty sure there are many things could be done in your situation.
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Old February 19th, 2013, 08:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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If the parent financial situation is possibly medically caused - like the onset of dementia - your mother might have some legal recourse.

You do care about your friends. The first could have been the start of an abusive situation, and the girl wouldn't go along. It's happened.
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Old February 19th, 2013, 10:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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its simple apply situation 1 to your dad and situation 2 to your mom, problem solved. But on a serious note...

1. I have not seen too many people getting kicked out for no reason, there has to be more to the stpry. Does she gets home late? smokes? drinks? what about her grades? is she in college? does she work? going out with too many guys?
And of ofcause, its not really your problem, sorry if its going to sound rude, but stick your nose to your oen business and let herself deal with it.
Honestly, it's because her stepdad is crazy. He has a long, long history of unstable behavior. He was in and out of jail/rehab for years and finally seemed to have his crap together. He was a fine upstanding citizen for a couple of years and then got married to this girl's mom. He was fine for a few years after that. Then one day he just started spiralling downhill again. No idea why. She's not in school any more since she graduated, but she does work. She has a boyfriend who's also a good guy who works harder than I do TBH. Her stepdad is just a bit wacky.

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2. So what was the reason for not letting anyone know? Not a smart move, and again its not on your shoulders in anyway.
We don't know since she's not talking to anyone. I presume she thinks none of us would approve of the guy which is probably true. But I'm just making a blind guess since none of us have any idea who the guy even is.

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3. Do you work? I mean, even if you are in high school, you can manage to help your parents with at least $1k a month. If your father can not be a responsible head of the family, take his place. Read on how you can save bunch of money on bills online, fatwallet.com forum would be a good place to start. Look for coupons when buy things. I'm pretty sure there are many things could be done in your situation.
Yeah. I work. I make a very good living actually. I don't want to disclose the exact number here, but I make more than the national average for a household and I do that on my own. I could easily give my parents $1k a month. Problem is that if I do that I feel like I'm just enabling my dad. He's not going to stop his behavior if I keep funding it will he? It's a behavioral problem at the end of the day.

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If the parent financial situation is possibly medically caused - like the onset of dementia - your mother might have some legal recourse.

You do care about your friends. The first could have been the start of an abusive situation, and the girl wouldn't go along. It's happened.
It's not medically caused. It's caused by stubbornness. Don't want to get into the gory details, but he started down a financial path that's the wrong path. He knows it's the wrong path but won't admit it. Instead he is going to continue to go down this path so he can prove that he's right even though he knows that he is wrong. I don't know if that makes any sense at all. My mom has talked to him. She and my dad sat down with their pastor and talked to him. He won't listen. He's convinced he's right even though he knows he's wrong. Again, I don't even know if that makes any sense.
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Old February 20th, 2013, 01:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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So I bit the bullet and went down to his office today to talk to him. He wouldn't listen. As soon as he started talking I knew he wasn't in any frame of mind to speak to speak to me. He then tried to justify what he's doing and what he's done and how he's right. I didn't argue with him. I just tried to talk about what he's doing to my mom. He didn't seem to care. I don't think he even sees the consequences of what he's doing. He is attributing all his problems to the economy and none to his behavior (the are all because of his behavior) and just refuses to own the fact that he is bringing all of this on himself. I think at this point he no longer thinks he is wrong and has now talked himself into thinking he is right.

I am no longer sure I can help him and maybe I never could. I left the meeting feeling shaken and helpless. Do I have any other options other than watching him just spiral down until he hits bottom and takes my mom with him?
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Old February 20th, 2013, 03:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I am no longer sure I can help him and maybe I never could. I left the meeting feeling shaken and helpless. Do I have any other options other than watching him just spiral down until he hits bottom and takes my mom with him?
Threaten divorce?
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Old February 20th, 2013, 05:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Threaten divorce?
My mom would never do that. Not her style. She will go down with him sadly.
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Old February 20th, 2013, 05:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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So I bit the bullet and went down to his office today to talk to him. He wouldn't listen. As soon as he started talking I knew he wasn't in any frame of mind to speak to speak to me. He then tried to justify what he's doing and what he's done and how he's right. I didn't argue with him. I just tried to talk about what he's doing to my mom. He didn't seem to care. I don't think he even sees the consequences of what he's doing. He is attributing all his problems to the economy and none to his behavior (the are all because of his behavior) and just refuses to own the fact that he is bringing all of this on himself. I think at this point he no longer thinks he is wrong and has now talked himself into thinking he is right.
Sounds like he's in major denial. And, frankly, he's giving me addict vibes.

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I am no longer sure I can help him and maybe I never could. I left the meeting feeling shaken and helpless. Do I have any other options other than watching him just spiral down until he hits bottom and takes my mom with him?
I'm sorry it didn't go well and you're feeling shaken and helpless.

As for options, those depend on what the problem(s) are. If there's a true psychiatric problem, an involuntary psychiatric hold [for evaluation purposes] can be done; hopefully, that would lead to a diagnosis and a treatment plan. If it's a gambling problem, there's help available both in terms of therapists and also anonymous peer support. If it's an alcohol or drug problem, there's medical and psychiatric and anonymous peer support available. If it's a legal or potentially criminal issue, a consultation with a good lawyer is in order. But in ALL of these except the involuntary 72-hour psych hold, your dad MUST want the help. If he's in such denial that he doesn't recognize there is a problem, he'll have no reason to seek help. If he thinks he can handle it himself, he won't seek help. And if he seeks help but his heart really isn't in it because he doesn't truly believe he needs it, it won't work.
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Old February 20th, 2013, 06:24 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Truly and honestly there's no psychiatric problem here and I don't think there's an addiction issue either. He is simply an adult who is being irresponsible and karma is a bitch and he's suffering for mistakes he's made and continues to make and refuses to admit he is wrong. He just flat out refuses and now I think he's at the point where he truly and honestly has convinced himself that he's right. Any outside who looks at the situation (and the fact that none of his friends/family agree with him says volumes) knows he's wrong but he truly and honestly believes he's right. That more than anything terrifies me.

I hadn't spoken to him since all of this came out. I had no idea he was at this place mentally and emotionally. None at all. That more than anything shocked me. The only thing I can liken it to is if you're told that a friend is sick. You show up at their house and find that they've wasted away to skin and bones and are hooked up to an IV feeding tube and a respirator. Not what you expect when you hear someone is sick. It's jarring.

I know he didn't get this way overnight though. You don't get to the point where you shut everyone who loves you out and deceive yourself into think you're right over night. Did I miss all the signs? Did I fail to intervene at some point in the past year or two when I should've? Could I have prevented this somehow? Could I end up this way myself? All questions going through my head.
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Old February 20th, 2013, 08:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Did I miss all the signs? Did I fail to intervene at some point in the past year or two when I should've? Could I have prevented this somehow? Could I end up this way myself? All questions going through my head.
DON'T do that to yourself! They raised you to be an adult who can take care of himself, which you do, it isn't your job to keep close tabs on them, they are adults who sound like they used to take care of themselves. Don't take any blame on yourself when there's no reason to. And also, don't worry about "fixing" all these situations, you can't. You can help and support, but the only people who can fix the situations are the people in them. If you take on all thier problems, you won't help, but you will burn yourself out and stress yourself out, and you won't be any good to anyone. Trust me, you can't take on anyone elses problems and do any good. Just offer support and whatever help they ask for.
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Old February 21st, 2013, 08:46 AM   #15 (permalink)
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1) It is porbably for your friends best interest to get out of the house anyways. THink that he did her a favour by kicking her out, and start over new.

2) if the girl decided t leave. let her go. When she comes back, welcome her back without any questions or judgement.

3) Your parents need to take care of themselves. it is not your problem to solve.
I think you should work on building your life rather than patch your parents life up.
No parent would be happy to see that a child sacrificed his/ her life for the parents.
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