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Old September 10th, 2013, 02:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Leave it to The Onion to have a hilarious headline for the apple "announcement"

Funny: The headline and the first two paragraphs
Funnier: they really didn't make anything up in the rest of the article.

Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas

CUPERTINO, CA—At a highly anticipated press event at its Silicon Valley headquarters Tuesday afternoon, tech giant Apple officially unveiled to the public a panicked and completely idea-free man.

The white, ultrathin man, who exhibited such features as artificial excitement, a fully quavering voice, and what appeared to be a near total lack of inspiration, was put on full display for thousands of shareholders, industry insiders, reporters, and fans today in what Apple hopes will be a game-changer for the multinational corporation.

“This is the future of Apple,” announced the lightweight, 75-inch desperate man while being presented on stage. “We are indeed staking our company’s reputation on what you see here on this stage. And as always with Apple, you are getting a glimpse of the entire tech industry’s future today.”

“Our customers expect the best products from Apple, and that is what we will continue to deliver,” continued the feckless man, offering a tedious, innovation-free display and a high rate of perspiration.

Experts told reporters the success or failure of the hapless, perplexed man will have an enormous impact on Apple’s profits and revenues for the foreseeable future. The completely ineffectual male human, reportedly priced at roughly $4.17 million per year, is also expected to both shape and inform all Apple products and their design for years to come.

However, early reports suggest that a majority of the event’s attendees were unimpressed by the panicked man, with critics complaining that the creatively bankrupt individual is “largely useless” and a stark departure from the company’s visionary and industry-leading ethos.

“In terms of reliability, functionality, performance, and overall quality, I’m very underwhelmed by what Apple put out today,” said TechCrunch blogger Daniel Keison, noting that the utterly uninspiring man was noticeably lower-end, lagged considerably, and came equipped with little to no vision. “Apple had set the bar really high in the past, and I can’t say they’re living up to that.”

“Maybe our expectations for them have just become unrealistic at this point,” Keison said of Apple, which also unveiled a line of other lower-quality panicked men during the event. “But frankly, what the company showed us today is not really very different from what other tech companies have shown us.”

Industry sources reported that while many loyal Apple customers were largely unenthusiastic about the panicked man, they remained quite happy with the previous model, discontinued in 2011.

Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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Old September 10th, 2013, 03:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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LOL That's great. You can always count on The Onion...
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Old September 10th, 2013, 03:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gtbarry View Post
“In terms of reliability, functionality, performance, and overall quality, I’m very underwhelmed by what Apple put out today,”
Wow, that turned out to be dead on accurate from all the reactions I've heard so far.
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Old September 10th, 2013, 03:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Old September 10th, 2013, 10:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I guess The Onion is hating on apple:

Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C

In addition to unveiling the new flagship iPhone at a press event Wednesday, Apple CEO Tim Cook debuted a more affordable version of the device called the iPhone 5C, which is clad in a plastic casing and is available in a variety of colors. Here are some notable features of the budget-friendly iPhone:

- Small enough to fit comfortably in users’ cheeks or to tuck between their lower lips and gums
- Haggard-sounding Siri
- Interior-facing camera
- Includes extended seven-minute version of classic Marimba ringtone
- Coin slot
- Slick, oily screen
- Must be plugged in at all times
- Smells like a delicious wafer cookie
- Sturdy enough to lay down on paper and use edge to draw straight lines
- Built-in whistle
- Steve Jobs’ posthumous disapproval

Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
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Old September 13th, 2013, 04:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
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That is really rude, looks like the author hates Apple and Tim crook from bottom of his heart. :-)
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Old September 13th, 2013, 02:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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This one has probably already made the rounds, but if you haven't watched it, it's pretty funny.

Introducing the Iphone 5c and 5s - YouTube
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