Last Updated: Jul 30,2015
Some useful lessons for future fathers like me to be learned in this thread.
Makes me wonder why you're not writing TV sit coms
You mean, apart from "don't have kids"? JK
So we're watching the show Supernatural. Damn this stuff is scary. Anyone else a fan?
I've never even heard of Supernatural - channel please?
My brother and his wife use my daughter's school functions as a reminder why she is not coming off birth control any time soon.
I know his post is sarcasm. If you have read my posts before, you probably know me a little bit. But let me tell you, and all of AF, when my son was born, that was when I became a man. That is why he will always be featured in my avatar. OK, lets get back to light hearted conversation again.
How lighthearted you want?
I need some chuckles tonight. Life is a little tough at the moment, well for the last several months.
CW, but all the seasons can be streamed on Netflix
I in no way mean any disrespect to anyone dealing with a.d.d.
But this made me laugh
Yes, same here. Joking aside, the day our daughter was born was a lightning bolt. She was not supposed to survive 24 hours (lungs were not processing O2). Went on a miracle machine called ECMO for weeks - equivalent of a set of external lungs and heart - which our hospital just happened to have (only one of two places in SoCal). Didn't know if it would work or what the result would be, given the risks of clots and O2 deprivation. I'll spare the very gory details, sleepless nights, emotional roller coaster of a month in the NICU. Needless to say, she now goes toe to toe with the best of us 16 years later. Even if she likes fruitphones.
So yeah, that day is a watershed, and thanks and respect to you and anyone else who realizes that very fact and doesn't take it for granted.
Now back to our regularly scheduled frivolity.
I want to see a post about Tourettes.
You asked for it...
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous comic and erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do; here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever, so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all time favorite:
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I don't remember where I posted this before, but if it was here, damn it I'll post again. On Sunday I got to hold my niece for the first time. She was born the Sunday after thankgiving 10 weeks early at 2.2 oz. I know how baby miracles work. And congrats on yours being an ornary teenager now
OK, this one remind me of an old joke that I hope passes muster here. My lawyer cousin told me this one so I feel safe repeating it.
Why are lawyers like sperm?
One in a million turn out to be human.
And another one in the same vein. What do you call a busload of lawyers that goes over the cliff with two empty seats? A waste of good seats.
I'm allowed, since I am one of the ridiculed.
My son tries to poop and pee every time we remove his diaper with a 10 percent success rate of one or both!
You guys and gals are the best, thanks.
LOL. At least he's regular
That could be problematic. I like the color black a lot, just not surrounding my name
Hope you're feeling better. Of course, we've got more unused comic material if you're still feeling down.
You should post it!
in the vein of people who just think differently than the rest of us, here are some quotes from my favorite comedian of all time, Mitch Hedberg. RIP.
1. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
2. You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."
3. I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
4. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
5. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like 222-2222. then when people say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press 2 for awhile and when I answer, you will know you have pressed it enough."
6. My roommate said to me, "I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer before the question.
7. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
8. You know what i hate about tennis? No matter how much you practice, you will never be as good as a wall.
9. Last week I helped my friend stay put. It was alot easier than helping him move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load s*** into a truck.
10. Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."
11. On a traffic light green means "go" and yellow means "slow down", but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on" yellow means "go ahead" and red means, "where the f*** did you get that banana at?"
12. I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me.
13. I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "f*** it, cut em up!"
14. I haven't slept for 10 days... because that would be too long.
15. When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! How 'bout a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
16. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
17. I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I perceive it too.
18. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. Stop blaming the photographer! There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside and that is extra scary to me.
19. This shirt is dry-clean only... which means it's dirty.
20. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him and said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." No s***, every picture of you is when you were younger.
21. I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks it needs a rewrite. I said, "f*** that, I'll just make a copy."
22. I went to a record store that said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.
23. If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and he fell off the sidewalk while you were walking, it would be totally f****** unacceptable.
24. I have a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he’d be comfortable. “Oh, you’re a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! To your exact specifications sir! I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!"
25. When I was a little boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
26. I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Whatever, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware?"
27. Whenever someone offers to pay for my meal, i immediately reach for my wallet, because inside is a note that says "remember to say thanks".
28. When someone on the street hands you a flyer, they may as well just say "here, YOU throw this away."
29. The AIDS test is very scary to get. It doesn't matter what you've been doing, waiting for the results is frightening. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call my friend Brian, and I say, "Hey Brian, do you know anyone who has AIDS? No? Cool, 'cause you know me."
30. I love escalators because they can never break, they only become stairs. You will never see a "escalator temporarily out of order" sign. Only "escalator temporarily stairs, sorry for the convenience. You can still get up there".
31. I got an invitation to a party and it said "black tie optional". I found that very unnecessary, because a black tie is always optional.
32. Last night i was in this club, and the bouncer told me i needed to move because i was blocking the fire exit. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
33. I went to the store to buy a candle holder but they didn't have one, so i bought a cake.
34. I hate that game "shotgun". I always forget to call it. After a party last week, i was determined to get the front seat so i shouted it as soon as we walked out the door. Too bad I forgot that we rented a limo.
35. I order the club sandwich all the time and i'm not even a member!
Something I'm finding is the case more and more often. Love Netflix. They put Frasier and Star Trek TNG, two of my favorite shows, on instant watch a few months back and I've been watching it almost nonstop since!
Separate names with a comma.