What have I done w/my life?


  1. A.Nonymous

    A.Nonymous Well-Known Member

    So lately I've been feeling some regrets with how I've lived my life. Not the things I've done per se, but more the things I haven't done and I'm wondering if I've totally screwed things up. I seem to get this way every year as my birthday approaches. I'll be 32 so I'm still something of a young pup, but I find myself regretting quite a lot.

    On the one hand I've achieved nearly all my major life goals which might say more about how low I set my goals than anything. I make more a year by myself than the average household income in the US. I'm on track to pay off my house early and there's a fairly good chance that I will wake up at 35 with a completely paid for house and no debt in the world which would be incredibly awesome considering I was completely and utterly broke just a few years ago. I'm saving/investing for retirement and once the house is paid off I can, if I choose, really up that amount and become filthy rich. Retiring comfortably when I'm 50 is my other life goal (at the least I want the ability to be able to do so if I wish) and from where I am sitting I think I can realistically hit that if I wish.

    Beyond that I don't have many other goals. There are 3-4 places I'd like to see, but honestly I could get to all of them this year if I really wanted to. Lord willing, I will get to see all of them in the next few years.

    But then it occurs to me that maybe I'm missing something. I have some good friends who are celebrating their 62nd wedding anniversary this month. I'd have to live past 90 to even get there if I got married tomorrow. I have achieved the goals I've achieved mainly because I've focused solely on them and shut out other things that sometimes seem to me to be just as important. I have never had a serious relationship (embarrassing I know) mainly because I've focused on school and then my career. So I've had a successful career and enjoyed financial success while most of my friends have been married close to 10 years now and have 2-3 kids (who are all extremely cute btw). I'm wondering if my priorities are all wrong and I'm missing the important things.

    Any thoughts or advice. I picture myself waking up at 35 with no debt, paid for house, money in the bank, cushy retirement savings and no one at all to share any of that with. It's got me kind of depressed lately, but that may be partly the birthday thing. This is the path I'm on though. I'm not entirely convinced it's a bad path, but I still feel like I'm missing something.

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  2. bigdrew

    bigdrew Well-Known Member

    I think we approach the most significant junctures in our lives without realizing they're there, and often, seemingly mundane decisions end up changing the course of everything for us. I don't think everyone has regrets, but I think everyone occasionally wonders what our lives would have become had we done something differently. I also think that life is comprised of compromises and no one truly has it all. We've all given up something.

    I do pretty well and I'm pretty financially stable, but my mortgage definitely won't be paid in full in my thirties. However, I have a wife that will stand by me despite whatever life will throw at me. I have two young, beautiful, smart, and healthy daughters that I fill me with happiness that nothing else can touch. They give my life a purpose that I don't have control over, and oddly, that feels pretty good. This sounds a little strange, but there are moments when I watch them and I have a sort of out-of-body experience, a moment of clairvoyance in which I see my life from a distance, and I feel so thankful for what I have and so fearful of losing any part of it.

    Not everyone is cut out for parenthood, and that's okay. My humble advice is to find your own happiness, experiment with new ideas, and try to make choices that you can feel proud of afterwards. Don't rely on money to make you happy...you'll be disappointed. It's the companionship of friends and loved ones that will make you feel wanted, and the connection of touching someone's heart will give your life meaning.
    argedion likes this.
  3. Frisco

    Frisco =Luceat Lux Vestra= VIP Member

    I find regrets to be good, as long as they propel me to do something about them. But I think some people tend to either over do or under do that part of all humans (to regret).

    We either cover them up, some even bragging "I never regret." And some slipping quietly into depression "My life is a waste." Etc.

    In between those things, in my opinion, there seems to be an opportunity to grow, become closer to people/things/nature/God (for those so inclined), etc.

    Just my opinion. :)
  4. huh

    huh Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean about Birthday's and regrets and bad decisions and...oh wait you didn't say bad decisions..that one was mine:) seriously It sounds to me as though you are on the right path. You are young ambitious smart. Relax.. honest.if you want a wife and family,( wait I'm assuming you are a guy) either way... you have plenty of time to find someone to share your life with. And you will...
    22 years old. ( you said you have friends married 10 years already etc...) is way too young for most people in my opinion to know who you are and what you want in life let alone start having children!! Yikes!!! not to be gloom and doom but in the US more than 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce so waiting until you know yourself and what you want and most importantly what you DON'T want.. is setting yourself up for success in a relationship. That is a good thing..a smart thing..and you will find someone who understands and appreciates you:)

    hang in there...you are young ..but old enough to know better:) so as I see it...you are exactly on the right path!!
  5. A.Nonymous

    A.Nonymous Well-Known Member

    I've seen people who claim they live life with no regrets and personally I don't understand it. How can they not regret a single thing they've ever done? Have these people never made a mistake in their lives? Or do they consider falling on their face in the mud only to discover that they're not face down in mud, but it's actually manure to be an amazing learning experience? I don't get that at all, but I think anyone who's been around in life long enough has been there. Maybe more than once. Usually because we failed to learn our less the first time. At least that's been my experience.

    I don't know. I kind of feel like the older you get in life the more your choices become limited. You hit kindergarten age and you'll never be the Gerber baby. You reach high school age and you'll probably never be an Olympic gymnast. As you get older, more and more doors close for you. I'll never be married 60 years. Another 4-5 years and being married 50 yrs becomes unlikely as well. Already I will never be the next Mark Zuckerberg with more billions than years of life. So I kind of wonder what doors have been closed to me permanently and whether I've reached the point where my decisions that I've made are now permanent whether I want them to be or not.
  6. Frisco

    Frisco =Luceat Lux Vestra= VIP Member

    "Limited." Well... sometimes what we used to think of as "choices" were just things that were not in our life's path to begin with; they were more like things in our peripheral vision or something like that. Later regretting not doing some of those things, well.. that seems so futile and a waste of energy unless they are things we can do something about to the satisfaction that we won't later regret not doing yet something else. :D
  7. Omar Days

    Omar Days Well-Known Member

    Tbh you sound like you're doing alright for yourself and have your head screwed on. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just sounds like birthday blues to me.

    So many people would love to be in your situation.
  8. Speed Daemon

    Speed Daemon Disabled

    So money and other material wealth doesn't bring happiness. No real surprise there.

    !Heelots.
  9. A.Nonymous

    A.Nonymous Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't classify myself as unhappy. More discontent at this point more than anything. I just wonder if I should've taken another path in life right now. If I got married tomorrow though I probably wouldn't make my goal of paying off the house by 35. But I don't know if that would be a bad thing or a good thing honestly.
  10. saptech

    saptech Well-Known Member

    You've done everything right, but it seems you are wanting companionship. Having money and all is good but not having someone to enjoy it with is probably why you feel the way you do.
  11. Speed Daemon

    Speed Daemon Disabled

    The plain truth is that you can't change the path that you've already taken. But you can change your future path.

    IME it gets harder and harder to make new friends and find "the right one" to marry after age 30. If I had it to do over again, I would have been more aggressive in my youth about finding the right girl and settling down. I had a lot more good prospects in my 20s than I've had in the two decades since. Your mileage may vary, but generally speaking it gets harder as you get older. Unless you're willing to marry a gold-digger that is.
  12. Fr0stTr0n

    Fr0stTr0n Well-Known Member

    Getting married and having kids is horrendously overrated in this day and age. I for one for many personal reasons will never have kids, shortly because I like my freedom, money and low stress life and in don't want to give that up, along with I don't want to pass on my families curse of mental depression and alcohol abuse to a child, enough of my family has been hurt by those and I'm ending it. I'm 32 as well. I've always been selfish since I was a boy and the older I get, the more opionated and inflexible I become, and though I've thought and dreamt about meeting someone special. I have such high standard and deal breakers that pretty much no woman on this planet can meet. It's taken awhile to think about this, but after a long term relationship in had for 5 years ended because I wasn't happy in it for a good while, my standards for relationships in the future for higher.

    I hate to die alone, but I'd rather be alone, happy and mostly carefree then be neutered and having to change who I am for someone else just so in have another warm body in bed? Am I bitter and angry sounding? You bet I am, you would be to after the life I've had so far as an unwanted, non sociable, introverted nerd that was never popular in all my years of school and all but ignored by woman in general. Thank God I had at least loving and protecting parents that me and my sister were able to grow up to be decent hard working people.
    Rxpert83 likes this.
  13. Davdi

    Davdi Well-Known Member Contributor

    What have I done with my (nearly) 60 years. let's see:
    spent 2 years in Australia as a teenager where I worke in a Supermarket, on the railways, loading the kiln in a pottery factory Oh, and learnd programming in nightschool.
    Back in the UK: was active in politics, served as a local councillor, spoke at party conferences. had my own IT business for 15 years, worked in N.Y. for a year. been married for 34 years with 2 grown-up offspring. renovated two houses, retrained as an electrician, did that for a couple of years until the banking crisis hit. Now I'm a final year mature student (Computer Security & Forensics) with a dissertation on Android Security Awareness.

    Regrets: None that really matter.
    Speed Daemon and Rxpert83 like this.
  14. A.Nonymous

    A.Nonymous Well-Known Member

    Finding the right one at my age gets increasingly unlikely. I'm not gonna lie. I know some great and awesome women my age, but all of them are married. The smart guys snatched them up 6-7 years ago at the least. I look around me in my circle and find I have three prospects none of which are appealing. One is an extremely quiet girl who is too shy to speak to me. We actually went out once and she wouldn't talk to me the entire time. It was awful and we are not even close to being compatible. The next one is a year old than me but works fast food and lives w/her mom. Ugh. Plus I've been friend zoned there anyway. The third is a 19 yr old single mom. Double ugh with the age difference and ready made family. I really don't think I ever want to have a kid. Of course I'm a 32 yr old geek with limited social skills so I ain't exactly a catch myself.

    Then there is the gold digger thing that I've thought about quite a bit lately. If I met someone tomorrow I would wonder if they were into me because of me or because of my money. I'll give my friends one thing, they got married when they were young, just getting ready to graduate college or just graduated college and were all broke. They've come up in the world since then as we all have, but their wives have been with them the entire way so there's no way you can say they married them for their money.
  15. OverByter

    OverByter Resident Slide Rule Guru

    Stop stressing it, I got married when I was 34 and had a child, the marriage lasted a little over 3 years. If it's meant to be you will find that someone without having to search high and low. I'm 53 and currently single and looking back much happier than I was towards the end of the marriage.
    Rxpert83 likes this.
  16. unnamedny

    unnamedny Well-Known Member

    Its not too late for you, try finding your other half before you hit 35. after 40 its even more an impossible task.

    I never understood some people who do not want to settle down, who think they have so much time ahead. Good products get off the market fast, longer you wait, harder it is to find your second half.
  17. Frisco

    Frisco =Luceat Lux Vestra= VIP Member

    I clicked "like" on that post because it's a great example of "never too late to live and learn."

    Plus the comparison of "..towards the end of the marriage.." and being happier now, well, that's a rare value, in my opinion, because it probably means that you stopped struggling to find a perfect mate, etc. Correct me if I'm mistaken.
  18. A.Nonymous

    A.Nonymous Well-Known Member

    Honestly, until recently I've never wanted to settle down figuring that I'm not the type to get tied down with a wife, 2.5 kids, house in the 'burbs, etc..... It's just not me. Lately though, (past 6-8 mos) I can see myself settling down with the right woman. I love my nieces and nephews to death, but I'm not a kid person at all. I can't see myself as a father.
  19. Fr0stTr0n

    Fr0stTr0n Well-Known Member

    There is so much wrong with this statement in dunno were to begin. Did you seriously compare finding love to grocery shopping?
  20. A.Nonymous

    A.Nonymous Well-Known Member

    Honestly, I didn't find it offensive. Like I said, I have quite a few female friends and the really good ones were taken in their early 20s. We have some pretty sharp guys around here. I know I'm certainly no catch. I'm set in my ways, and somewhat stubborn and a caustic personally to boot. I have few redeeming qualities beyond my ability to make a decent living. I kind of question single women in their 30s and wonder why they are still on the market. Yes, the bargain looks like a good one, but I wonder if there's something hiding.
  21. AntimonyER

    AntimonyER AF Addict VIP Member

    I hate to be THAT guy, but have you checked out those Internet dating sites? I have one to thank for meeting my wife (although not directly, my roommate signed up, went on a date, invited her to the house for a cookout, decided he wasn't interested, just as I decided I was! :D)

    Can't hurt to try.
    NYCHitman1 and Rxpert83 like this.
  22. A.Nonymous

    A.Nonymous Well-Known Member

    Not the first time I've heard that advice. The idea of doing something with a stranger is, quite frankly, terrifying to me. I'm too introverted for that. I've asked friends to set me up in the past and they've picked some real duds. They don't seem to get that I'm not into the quiet, shy, reserved type no matter how much I tell them.
  23. unnamedny

    unnamedny Well-Known Member

    Yes I did. What are the chances for you to meet smart, good looking and attractive girl/guy who is going to be willing to do it 5 times a day when you are twenty? I'd say it's very easy. What about when you are 30? not so. 40? almost forget about love perspective. Of cause there are exceptions and I'm pretty sure someone is going to say "oh, but my mom, dad, brother, sister got successfully remarried at the age of 45" yes it's possible but not often seen.

    Problem is once you are in your late twenties, it's really hard to adjust yourself to certain way of life. It's hard to change your lifestyle, life views, character, habits, ect. So it's better to pair with someone in your early twenties. You get used to persons habits, character and just the way you do things.

    Bottom line is, it takes years for some to pair up, it's not one day thing, and life is full of surprises.

    P.S.
    I don't think it's a really bad idea to date before marriage, as long as you don't change guy/girl every week or two.
  24. unnamedny

    unnamedny Well-Known Member

    I think online dating is a great idea, there are just so many choices.
    Here is a few advices as well.
    1)Plan to kids even if you don't want them, you might end up with regrets later on.
    2)Understand that no one is perfect. You can not find a girl who is smart, beautiful, has great personality, queen in bed and great mom and house wife. If you are not willing to compromise certain things, you are never going to meet the right person.
    3)If you keep failing: I try to follow this advice all the time, maybe it's time to look in the mirror and change something about yourself.

    Good luck!
  25. Fr0stTr0n

    Fr0stTr0n Well-Known Member


    PFffft, not bloody likely. Single, free and somewhat lonely is better then being a miserable father to kids I never wanted.
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