Last Updated: Jan 28,2013
Agreed. And who wants to be an unwanted kid?
Like I said earlier, at my age I realize that nothing and nobody in this life is perfect. I thoroughly enjoy my alone time. On rare occasions I'll take the chance on a friend induced blind date but after a relatively unhappy marriage with the bright spot being my son I don't have an intense desire to be in a long term relationship, if it happens fine but it certainly doesn't define or negate who and what I am just because I'm not in one.
I've always been a believer in finding the one when you aren't looking.
Then again I'm the young 20-something who is in no rush
Exactly, and there are FAAAAAAR to many unwanted and unloved kids in this world with piss poor excuses for fathers and I refuse to become part of that, even if it means I have to die alone. I'm better then that at least
If only more people had this attitude, that's why I waited until I was 35 to have a child, it's the unwanted, uncared for children that you usually see on the nightly news.
Yep, that's what I was saying. I should have tried harder before they got the ring on their finger. Before then, all's fair. I know that now.
At least you're realistic about it. If marriage is what you want, you're going to have to give up at least some of your "deal breakers". Those things work both ways, you know.
When I was about your age, I hooked up with some young ones: 18, 19...early 20s. While it was fun, there was a generation gap there that in the end was insurmountable. At my age now I don't have that problem any more...
One piece of advice that I heard was to find someone who's life is heading in the same direction as yours. Of course if your life is stalled at the moment, you need to take care of that first. I see that you're active in the political section. Tea Party, right? Try attending some events. Volunteer to host one at your house. That's a good way to break the ice and meet people who think like you do.
I don't know what hobbies or other interests you have, but it should go without saying that the ones that don't attract many women aren't likely to yield results. If you're short on hobbies, maybe it's time to pick a new one. Or take a night school class. Lots of middle aged folks in those.
Yep, with no love, direction and guidance early in life from dedicated parents, a lot of them go the path of really bad things.
Yeah, I was that way w/the same philosophy when I was your age. Then I woke up at 32 all alone.
Couldn't agree more. I hate, loathe, detest and despise people who have kids because they are lonely and want someone who will love them. I pity them as well to be honest. These unwanted kids grow up to be burdens on society in most cases and in a best case scenario end up saddled with long term emotional and psychological issues. I would never do that to a kid.
I don't disagree with that. It's a trade off. When you're younger you can wait around for someone who fills everything you're looking for. As you get older you get to the point where you take whatever happens to be left which is sad. It's true, but sad. You take whatever happens to be available and compromise what you wanted and you realize the person you're with is doing the same thing. Ugh. Like I said. Regrets.
This is part of the problem. I'm a fairly ambitious guy. That's how I got where I am. Most of the women I know are the type who want to get married, stay home and pop out 14 kids. There is nothing at all wrong with any of those things, but it's not the direction I want in my life. I want to travel, see the world, experience things and make a crap ton of money in the process.
Tea Party? Tea Party? I'm deeply offended to even be associated with such whack jobs (apologies to any whack jobs reading this). I'm a dyed in the wool Libertarian these days although back in my college days I would've fallen in with the Tea Party crowd. I have seen the light since then.
I have a few hobbies, but none that are chick magnets. I keep fish and have been known to dabble in writing. I am also trying to learn either the sax or the trumpet this year. I also read quite a few comic books and I'm into tech of course. None of these things attract the ladies sadly. I'm also active in my church, but the young ladies I meet there are of the very traditional variety. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm not the type to settle down, have a bunch of kids and live in suburbia.
I've already said that I'm 53, I don't believe that you have to "settle" just because of age, there are plenty of warm and vibrant females my age who like myself got divorced or maybe widowed or like yourself put their careers before romantic fulfillment. The point being that it's never too late for romantic relationships without having to just settle.
It's only sad if you choose to make it that way.
I don't think that you necessarily have to settle for less when you're older. But you do need to be realistic. Your chances of finding a 20-something hottie with no baggage whatsoever and would even notice you are about nil. I think it was Dave Barry who wrote something to the effect of "you know you're old when nubile young women don't ever look at you as a sexual being." Also, I was about your age the first time a young woman came up to me and addressed me as "sir". You can't turn back the clock, so move forward.
Like it or not, but women with kids from previous relationships has become the norm these days. I think it would be a shame to eliminate what could turn out to be a very nice match because of inflexible expectations.
So in other words, you want to live the life of the idle rich.
If the love of money is a top priority, then the ability to love and be loved by people can go away fast. Don't be surprised if you wake up one night and see the ghost of Jacob Marley paying you a visit.
Well, to be fair I was never going to find a 20 something hottie even when I was a 20 something. Maybe my expectation of not being a father is unreasonable. I just know that I have no business being a father. Unreasonable or not, it is what it is. We all have our limitations. That's one of mine. I'm not cut out to be a dad.
Yes, I would love to live the life of the idle rich. Why not? I've busted my hump and worked my butt off to get to where I am. Why not enjoy it? And why would people cut me off just because I'm successful?
If it's not too personal, could you help me understand why you believe that?
Who's trying to "cut you off"?
AFAIK nobody's holding a gun to your head and forcing you to write this thread. I'm taking what you write at face value, and you say that you're not happy with your situation. The concept that you can't buy happiness is hardly an original thought. I though that the "why not" part was pretty obvious. Touring the world can be a lot more fun if you have someone special to share it with. And if you do have someone special, what they want is going to be important too.
If everything is hunky dory after all, why start the topic in the first place? IJS
I'm not good w/kids. I have no patience for them. They speak in annoying high pitched voices, ask way too many questions and are short enough that they are below your normal line of vision so you can trip over them if you're not careful. Plus, they can be very needy. The fact that they're cute does not compensate for this. I am just not a kid person. Other people's kids I can sort of tolerate as long as they're well behaved, but some children are just little snots. Plus, they're basically walking germ buckets. And they cramp your life style to boot. I realize some people love kids and I say more power to them. Just not for me.
You say that now, but honestly.. after having one - EVERYTHING changes, including yourself. It has nothing to do with being selfish and all of the other things you've made apparently clear to the rest of us. It does have everything to do with finally having someone to show the ropes of life to, which for some may be a revelation because they usually never want the kid to see the things they had to, etc..
For the sake of perspective, how would you feel if you found out that people had such negative attitudes towards you? Would you agree and forever separate yourself from society? Would you think that you have some overriding qualities that make you worth someone's time?
I mean no offense by this, but it looks to me like you lack empathy. And that lack of empathy is going to drive a wedge between yourself and lots of people who could enrich your life. But because relationships of all types are a two-way street, as it stands, you're not capable of doing that. The lack of empathy would make you a parasite and put most or all of the burden of the relationship on the other person, and that's not fair. No self-respecting person would stand for that for long, and those who would would do so because of their own personal problems , which is a double-fail.
The bottom line is that unless you're willing to look beyond yourself, you're not likely to have any healthy relationships. I know that's a slap in the face, but I hope that you can take it in the spirit of my intentions, which is to be helpful.
This could be a real turning point in your life! A really big deal. Because of that, I think that you will be better served by going to a professional counselor, therapist, life coach etc. I think it's great that you broached the subject here. But it is something that's too important and personal to rely on a bunch of people on the Internet for a resolution.
to Speed D..wow!!..I wish there was a standing ovation button!
I posted hmmmm
last night because I really wanted to help .. but was getting frustrated and saddened by some of the posts, replies etc.. I was reading and I thought it best to just shut it..I didn't want to come across snippy or catty..(no pun intended)
I will add one thought though..
"It's not the problem that is the problem...It's your attitude about the problem that is the problem....understand?"
-Capt. Jack Sparrow
I haven't read all the responses so forgive me if I'm repeating. Here's my .02. Most people are gonna do what they're gonna do regardless of what other people say. Do what you think is best for you. If you meet someone fine, if not it sounds like you are doing just fine. I wouldn't sweat it that much. Being married isn't for everyone. I was married for 7 years and have been divorced for 19. I like the 19 better. I would pay my house off before I got married if you think that will keep you from that goal and if you do get married you should really get a prenup or all your hard work may be for nothing more than some others gain. Some of our female counter parts are quite sneaky and exceptional liars. I know first hand.
The bottom line is that nothing will change unless you decide to change it, if all you want to do at this point in your life is to further your career and make money that's fine, but wishing for the perfect mate to just appear in your life especially with your defeatist attitude regarding your ability to be appealing. Some women are looking for a successful person, some are going for looks and others for warmth and intelligence, same as us. If you keep doing the same thing then the same thing is going to continue happening, get out of your comfort zone and take a chance on change. Taking the well traveled road is seldom exciting.
Good luck dude, OB
So, I have now read all the responses because I'm bored and would like to help. Have you tried Facebook? That's where I met my current girlfriend. She is someone I went to school with and we seem to be getting along very well. Yes, there is some family drama but I think she's worth it. I'm not understanding something however; you say you're an introvert but you don't want a shy, quiet girl. Maybe I'm missing something or just don't understand that statement.
I hope you're prepared for them thinking the same about you.
Advice to a buddy if you'll have it - I think that you're maybe overthinking the whole gold digger thing.
I think most people are looking for companionship, not money.
People have a way of sorting each other out. I don't think that's gender specific, but I do think that women are more effective at it.
If it helps any, I have a very close friend much like you. Stayed that way until his late 40s. Met his wife of over a dozen years now on the job. (He couldn't stand retirement so he went back to work because he liked it.)
I asked him about his thoughts on her being a gold digger and how she got him past that. Answer was that he was so busy proving that he wasn't settling or slumming that it just didn't seem important any more.
My point - there's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with setting standards when you're on the couples market. But it's not a market you can plan out. Your house, car or furniture didn't choose you back when you considered them.
You've thought about what you don't want, kids and gold diggers. Think about what you want.
And think more about what you have to offer. If it's only money and security then the ones you'll attract may be exactly what you may not want. Then again, they may be exactly what you need for all I know. Which I don't.
But I do think it's important to think about what you bring to the table rather than worry about what they'll take.
I'll stop there, two cents worth if you want it.
One last thing before I turn in for the night. I got the two best things that ever happened to me from my being married to someone I should not have. My two girls are awesome and I couldn't be prouder of them. I love my kids and wouldn't change a thing about that part of my life.
While I was writing what is now a useless side-comment, Early came in and said a lot of very wise stuff. Well done, old man!
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