"One Liners" thread

[rootabaga]

We have some humor threads, but I thought it might be fun to have one dedicated to all of your funny one-liners. (If the mods disagree, they can, I suppose, merge this with one of the others, at least if the mod tools are fully fixed...)

Well, I mean they don't have to be your own, but also ones you've heard and liked.

I'll start with a favorite from Steven Wright...

About two weeks ago I was...no, wait, that wasn't me.

 

[bjacks12]

When my time comes, I'd like to be buried face down, so that anybody who doesn't like me can kiss my ass.
- Red Forman.

 

[EarlyMon]

When it comes to one liners, I prefer a much bigger boat.

 

[treb1797]

When it comes to one liners, I prefer a much bigger boat.

If your on the boat, then I'm jumping the shark

 

[Unforgiven]

A guy walked into a bar and said 'ouch.'

 

[lunatic59]

They say memory is the second thing to go. I forget what the first thing is.

 

[Unforgiven]

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

 

[olbriar]

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.

 

[Unforgiven]

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

 

[olbriar]

Take my wife for instance, please.

 

[lunatic59]

If any of you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!

 

[Unforgiven]

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

[olbriar]

My wife is not always right but she is never wrong.

 

[zuben el genub]

I like Fark.com

One of the better headlines today:

North Korea Internet service restored. Looks like someone found a new AOL disc.
http://www.nbcnews.com/tech/securit...line-after-widespread-internet-outage-n273281

 

[EarlyMon]

Yesterday I went to the Zen hog dog vendor and asked him to make me one with everything.

 

[iowabowtech]

80% of all statistics are false.

 

[Unforgiven]

80% of all statistics are false.

And half of the time I'm 100% right.

 

[iowabowtech]

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He's already accepted the fact you won't pay him back.

 

[jefboyardee]

That's a two-liner.

 

[IamWhoIam]

That's what she said.

 

[dontpanicbobby]

Bazinga!

 

[psionandy]

'Cigarettes are very like weasels. Perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.' - Boothby Graffoe.

 

[dontpanicbobby]

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.

 

[dynomot]

Not a one liner but :

Apple have scrapped their new cruise liner the "iTitanic", every time it docked it synced.

 

[hiredgun]

My mother in law is so fat that when she goes to the movies she sits next to EVERYONE!!!!!