Teenagers - how to cope?

[Deleted User]

Eldest DD is 13. All I get is black looks, eye rolling and general dismissiveness. Is this normal?
Computers I can deal with, they don't give attitude. Teen daughter is something I cannot handle.

 

[lunatic59]

All I get is black looks, eye rolling and general dismissiveness

13 year old girl? I'd be concerned if you DIDN'T get that attitude. Don't worry, she'll turn into a human being in four or five years.

 

[Deleted User]

13 year old girl? I'd be concerned if you DIDN'T get that attitude. Don't worry, she'll turn into a human being in four or five years.

Good to know. Hopefully I can remain sane for that time

 

[Unforgiven]

I have a 21 YO that is entering what I call the enlightenment era, where he starts to realize all that crazy shit I said was true. I have a 17 YO in the dark ages, I may as well not even try to communicate with him because he already knows everything. And, I have an 8 YO in the idealistic era where everything I say is gospel and everything advertised on TV will do exactly what it says.

Me, I'm in the cynical era where I'm trying to figure out the angle anyone speaking to me is coming from.

 

[lunatic59]

I don't know which is more frustrating ... head-butting a teenage girl with more drama that stratford-upon-avon, or the complete communication shutdown of teenage boys who grunt like they were part of a neanderthal clan.

Either way, you've done what you can to teach them how to behave, now it's your job to keep them alive through these trying years by not killing them yourself.

EDIT: Trust me, when they come out on the other side as adults, it's completely worth it. And when they have their own kids, you can sit back and chuckle because you know what's coming ... P-A-Y-B-A-C-K!

 

[Unforgiven]

Teenage boys have an incredible ability to live in absolute sloth. I don't have experience with girls, so I don't know if they are the same.

 

[Clementine_3]

Good luck with that.

Teenage son was a terrible son. There were constant battles, each one I did choose to fight. Rules were still rules and consequences were still consequences. He still had to be civil, hold a conversation at dinner and keep his 'tude in check. Oh, I know (and knew) that he was out doing stuff he shouldn't have been, was cutting class and mouthing off to teachers and I tried to stay on top of it. You can't really though. All I can offer is to do your best, and take to drinking if you haven't already.

I was just watching my brother's kids for a week. Two teenage girls and an 11 year old boy. Had the girls been mine they would have been in a world of hurt. Bro and sister in law seem to think it's OK to let them and their snotty, self centered/entitled selves run the house. Yeah. Umm, don't do that with your girl.

 

[Deleted User]

Seriously though, I don't see how I'm going to survive this.
For some reason, I am basically a punch bag for her, to offload all the bad attitude she can't give to anyone else. She is much closer to her Mum, but I get zero respect.

I am worried that we will end up with a completely irretrievably broken relationship. Do I just lay down and take the abuse? Part of the problem I think is that I react badly, and then feel bad later. Plus the Mrs gets right on my case as she *always* takes my daughter's side. It's always my fault.

 

[lunatic59]

The "trick" is to be firm but fair and respectful. No matter how much sh*t they throw at you (and they will by the truckload) be stalwart, civil and reasonable even when they are not. It helps to have the support from the other half. Taking sides makes brats. Remind the Mrs. (when the she-devil is not around) that it's her job to be a mother, not a BFF.

If you don't get support from the Mrs. Then tell her it's her job to handle all the decisions (and the consequences therefrom) ... and then duck, just in case there's an iron skillet within reach.

 

[Unforgiven]

I'd hate to say it, but you have to continue to beat your head against that wall even if you think it doesn't make a difference if for no other reason than you love her. Like @lunatic59 said, and I'm experiencing now with my oldest, what you are saying does get through, it just takes some age and experience for them to understand and appreciate it.

 

[Deleted User]

I cannot discuss this with my wife. I've tried, but it simply escalates into what I did wrong. She is blinded and is unable to see my point of view. And worse, it turns into a row, and we end up not speaking to each other for a couple of days. So you can see this is causing a lot of friction. Because of this I have given up trying to have a rational discussion with her about it.
So you can see that there is a radical difference in opinion about what is and is not acceptable. This isn't what I expected to sign up for in the marriage.

 

[Deleted User]

If you don't get support from the Mrs. Then tell her it's her job to handle all the decisions (and the consequences therefrom) ... and then duck, just in case there's an iron skillet within reach.

Oh she is quite happy to do that. But then I'm cut out of the parenting loop, and have no authority.
Damn you! Respect my authoritaah!!!!

 

[Clementine_3]

You are, indeed, in a predicament. Not unlike where I was (but, I was the one who was always right! ) with the Mr., it didn't end well. That was just us though. lol. There were many more issues at play and I'm not writing a novel but I do feel your angst. I have nothing to offer other than stay the course with your daughter, try to appease the Mrs. and drink heavily

 

[Deleted User]

Yeah the drink option seems like the best way to go

 

[Unforgiven]

I also try to make a game of it in some sense. I try to guess in my head what the retort / reply is going to be to certain situations. Once spoken, see how close I came. It helps with my sanity. Mixing in alcohol just makes it more fun.

 

[lunatic59]

Give us an example with the players being MRS (Wife), MR (You) and TDH (Teenage Daughter from Hell).

Is it like this?

TDH: Dad, can I have £50 to go to a concert with my mates?
MR: Sorry, dear, I don't have any spare cash this week.
TDH: Mom, Dad's being mean again! He won't let me have any fun.
MRS: C'mon, you can cough up a little cash for your beloved daughter. She's only going to be young for a little while. Let her have a little fun.
MR: But ...
MRS: Cheapskate
MR: But ...
MRS: Just give it to her, or else.
MR: *sigh*
TDH: [smugness]

or is it like this?

TDH: I need a tattoo on my belly that says "for a good time" with an arrow pointed ... um .. y'know. Gimme £50.
MR: WTF? No f^&*$^&ing way!
TDH: Listen, Jerkwad, I'm getting it if I have to kill you in your sleep and take the money from your wallet.
MRS: What's going on here?
TDH: I need a new tat and Dad's being a d*ck about it.
MRS: So do I, I'll go with you [takes your wallet]
MR: [puts fist through wall and drinks heavily until the paramedics show up]

 

[Deleted User]

^--- More like scenario 1. And yes I'm getting the "or else ...".

MR: I'm fed up with the constant attitude I get
MRS: She's going through a difficult time, you have to understand
MR: She talks to you fine
MRS: I get the attitude too
MR: I don't have to put up with this all the time
MRS: You have to be the adult.
MR: I'm trying, but you keep undermining my authority
MRS: No I don't
MR: Yes you do
MRS: I don't care. Don't upset my daughter, or else...

 

[shalemail]

Honestly, from my experience you have an 8-10 year window with children to build your relationship and instill morals, beliefs and understandings. Once they get to 10 or there abouts (some later, some earlier) they are subjected to and start to absorb more external stimuli than they get at home or from family. So ... if by that time you've "done your job" there should be good foundation for them to build off of and hopefully with a little trust, faith and a good measure of luck you end up with a human that's worth a darn. Mostly.

I was a terribly hand's on parent in the early going. Currently my fingers are crossed as both my children have passed that threshold and so far, no felonies between them and last I heard neither "hates" me today and I think I currently do not suck. So far so good.

Oh and the boy is 15 this year the girl 12. God help me.

 

[dan330]

wow.. that sounds rough

I have a 12 yr old daughter.. she is great, but I can see a change coming.
but she also knows that .. I don't make empty threats.
we will see... how this goes

 

[dan330]

I hate "or else".
if anyone comes to me with that... I ALWAYS WANT "OR ELSE"!

no matter the consequences. I will go there.
my daughter knows it. and she don't push it.

 

[Deleted User]

I hate "or else".
if anyone comes to me with that... I ALWAYS WANT "OR ELSE"!

no matter the consequences. I will go there.
my daughter knows it. and she don't push it.

Trust me, you don't want the "or else"

 

[AZgl1500]

I'm 73 so times are different.
our son and daughter were 18 months apart, son being the eldest.

Somehow, the girl never gave us any trouble.... the boy did good for the most part, but resented discipline and having to be home at 'drop dead time'...

at the age of 15 and having a DL in the state of Neuvo Mexicano ( Albuqueque, NM) he decided that he would just show us he could do what he damn well pleased. Took my 4x4 pickup and went south into old Mehico where they pretend they do NOT speak any English at all.... The truck had 2 fuel tanks and tank #1 was empty so he started asking around where he could buy some gas?

no one would talk to him, but a group of guys there started huddling up close to him and shoving him around... he jumped back in the truck and made a U turn for home... the gang of would be thieves jumped in a car and chased after him.... the truck being an old straight 6 F-150 did not have a lot of high speed capabilities, so he just left the highway to outrun them in the desert sands.... did pretty good until he decided to turn around and go back to the road..... then the truck went down into that sand....

so, he jumps out and turned the Hub Locks and engages the 4 wheel drive, and the thugs of course try to make a U turn also and cut him off.... but, the car is only rear wheel drive and it sinks in the sand....

good thing the saddle tank was full, and carried 2 gallons more fuel than the seat tank.... he made it back home....

meanwhile at the Ranch, I had contacted the Sheriff's department and issued an All Points Bulletin for a Run Away.... they found him about a mile from home..... the officer called me on the phone and told me where they were....

when I arrived, a little talk ensued and I told our son right there "give me your Driver's License now!" and I took out my knife and shredded right there.... and then I told him "you are grounded for 1 year, No TV, No friends, No Telephone privileges for 1 year..."

He laughed at me and said, "I will just go to a different town and get it replaced"....
The officer told him "sorry son, you license just got voided, your father just cut it up, and I reported that to the dispatcher." When he said that, the officer asked me "what do you want me to do, I have a report to fill out..... then, I asked him if he could take my son to the station and let him set inside there for 24 hours..... let him cool off and rethink the last 48 hours.....

The officer did, and the boy get a New EduKation real fast... he did not like his cell partners.

it was tough for a while, harder on me, than on him..... I had to drive them everywhere they needed to be.... I became a Full time baby sitter, drive them to school 18 miles away, pick them up in the evening..... it was rough....

there was something special coming up at the end of of that one year run, and I asked our son if he would like to get paroled....
I was real proud of him, he said "No, our agreement was for one year, I will stick with that"...

He is now a very respected R&D person in a highly technical arena building electric municipal buses that run off of batteries, diesel, or trolly wires...

Have you considered trying Family Counseling?
I have been through some of that, and it helped me a lot....
If at all possible, get everyone to attend.

you have to be first, get a repore (sp) going with the counselor, then the wife has to go in and give her side, then you go in together....
and finally the kids have to go...

 

[lunatic59]

Trust me, you don't want the "or else"

In most cases the "else" is something that's not going to happen rather than something that does.

 

[Member243850]

First off I want to say sorry you are having a difficult time!

It is natural for a father to be concerned and healthy to a certain extent... however on the other side of the coin can be destructive if not kept under control...

Think about one of my own experiences with my own family and the dangers of extreme over the top protectiveness - I made this saying but it more than likely already exists in essence: "If birds became so paranoid and forced their offspring to never fly and keep them "safe" we may have never invented fight!"

In a way it might be dangerous to hold too tight a reign.... I know your feelings are aimed at being progressive and your intentions good but be careful of suffocation of flight and refusing one to have a strong imagination and experience life....

I have had such issues with my family - that I can't even begin to express my concern for all involved in yours as I have had so many issues with mine and this is why I want to try my best to help you out.

Your daughter may have a leg to stand upon... and on the other hand she may be totally and completely unreasonable...

Anyway - just trying to dig a bit deeper here... which can harbor it's own problems that were never even there to begin with and start "tilting with windmills"...

You being the father do you feel you are not respected? - Am I correct?

Why? If I may ask...

What does she do - or not do - that you would want her to do or be?

Please bare in mind she is in a hormonal shift in her current age and there is an EXTREMELY high chance that she really is she is going through a VERY rough time as hormones start going wild approximately at her age.

Then your best bet is actually not to beharsh and just be as comforting as humanly possible during this challenging time.

Try to be as caring as possible - if bashing your head against a wall is giving you a splitting headache - try going with the flow!

Remember a simple smile and happy attitude can create an awesome atmosphere that you can all benefit from this modern stressful era.

 

[HeavensSentSword]

Just make her ware bedazzled yellow crocks and a justin beriber shirt to school when she gives you grief. If I had to ware that to work I would be super polite to everything even the dogs crap.