Teenagers - how to cope?

Just to respond to your questions Stinky..

Well me and the Mrs are not exactly on the same page when it comes to parenting strategies. Believe me I care a lot about my kids and would do anything for them, but I have a more laid back approach. Mrs is over-protective to the point of paranoia. Honestly some of the things she gets hung up about are quite extreme. She denies this, and gets upset when I point it out, but other people I've spoken to agree with me. I've given up raising the issue because I've learned it's not worth the hassle.

The other thing is, I get much less contact with the kids because I work, and the Mrs is a full time stay at home Mum. This means the kids (particularly eldest) naturally go to her, rather than me, for help/comfort etc. Also she has assumed the disciplinary role. If I try to discipline the kids, it will often be followed by Mrs stepping in to defend them. Can you see how this immediately undermines my authority, and reduces my credibility to zero? This has got so annoying to me that I've now given up all responsibility for discipline, unless it's obviously necessary. All squabbles are handled by Mrs, because I "do it in the wrong way".

And what really saddens me, is that Mrs once said she does not trust me to look after the kids on my own! How would you feel if your partner felt they could not leave the kids with you because they were afraid of some nasty accident occurring?

So a bit more about my daughter - she is high achieving academically, but has borderline autistic tendencies - obsessive compulsive behaviour, perfectionism, social anxiety. She doesn't really have any school friends. We're in the process of getting a formal diagnosis. This, combined with her age is not helping.
My theory (and I'm no psychotherapy expert) is that in some ways my daughter likes to be a victim. What I mean by that is she deliberately pushes my buttons to provoke me into some angry behaviour. Then she will talk to my wife about how upset I made her. Wife is obviously very sympathetic. Anyway, I think daughter bottles up a lot of her frustrations, and it comes towards me. Once I realised about the 'button pushing' behaviour to get a reaction, I stopped myself and just ignore it, which has helped the situation.

Anyway thank you for your interest, and it actually helps me to put these thoughts down. I really have nobody else to turn to with these issues, as discussions with Mrs are futile, and I don't want to worry my parents.
I'm painting a bleak picture, but things probably aren't as bad as it seems. Things kind of came to a head this weekend, but we're all friends now. We're going away to the seaside this weekend.

LV426 - something I have seriously learned the HARD WAY - is my mind OVER thinks almost everything!

I feel like my mind is doing so many calculations and processes per second - that I don't even realise how much I am taking in with a single glance!

The horrifying "reality" of this?

I need to learrn to just RELAX and be grateful that I really DON'T control the world and just smile and have a good time

I have learned BIG TIME... that I am ****in over thinking waaaaaaaaay too much and going into insane madding destructive detail and focusing far too much...

This is my personal experience and I wonder seriously how to help you

If you want to chat to me in private as you feel it is too much private information here then please do not hesitate!

I seriously want to try and help you because I have had some serious issues in life myself and feel that "too much seriousness and over thinking can cause HELL" I really like what Loony is saying - that she is very young not had enough experience in life and maybe everyone is just over protective

Sometimes "going with the flow" is not only helping - but totally necessary!

Nothing and no one is perfect... you are not "perfect"... the dog down the street isn't perfect.. there is this thing in life that people seem to "aspire to" and it seems very creepy.... and down right depressing!

I will confess... I am a ****ing INSANE PERFECTIONIST....

I was a scary OCD in my youth..... EVERYTHING HAD TO BE FLAWLESS.....

I used to wonder if a perfect circle was made up of billions and billions of lines.... I was scary.... I have learned through extreme pain of life... that unfortunately there are many losers in this world and I have to work hard to live with them... or I will go to jail for murder

In your daughter's case.... I feel great empathy for her in a way... I wish everything was flawless...

But then again... where's the fun in that? ;D

Hehehehehee!

Stinky has a good point. We often strive for perfection in life, but very often that is unobtainable. I think my Mrs has an idea of what a perfect parent should be, and tries to achieve it in every way.

And Lunatic59 I see this over-protective 'helicopter' style could be damaging because it robs the child of learning to cope with situations, and yes learning by mistakes.

Unforgiven yes the teenage years are tough, god knows I went through hell myself so I know very well the insecurities. But I don't really want to yell. This in a way shows loss of control, and yet more evidence for the Mrs to view me as a poor parent.

dan330 said:

LV...

from what you write.. your daughter is OK.. just going through growing pains.
and being a Teen.

I am going out on a limb and say your major problem is your: wife
she is not supporting you as a parent. she has issues some where with you and using your kids as a way to get at you.

(all a guess from my sofa)

Click to expand...

Yes I don't feel I'm getting the right support, but I don't see why she should want to get at me.
Going into psychiatric analysis mode again, she had shall we say, very very disconnected parents, and I feel she is wanting to compensate by being the 'ideal' Mum. But is going way too far with this.

I like your style dan!

Yes! Your wife should be trying to help you and support and not be attcking you and getting upset with you!

I dig your style dan buddy!

I must say when I was working with children...... that has got to be the TOUGHEST job in the entire world! A parent is by far the hardest job in the entire world... by a looooong shot... it is basically trying hard to get "perfection" or something like that

Even the fast paced work I am doing currently is very tough and not for the fainthearted .... but it is nothing compared to working with children!

Scientific and engineering worlds and huge projects are actually just a walk in the park compared to dealing with the complexities of mankind...

I worked with all ages..... and I have tons of empathy for struggling parents because I know how hard it can be to just try and get everyone to just get along... in such a hectic world... all these different points of view... and the seem to be so negative and destructive sadly!

I agree with dan!

Try your best to make a positive and constructive approach with each other!

DAN you are a GENIUS buddy!

I think what is waaaay more important than asking her why is just enjoying your company together and to just enjoy each other's company and enjoy the moment you guys have.

Sometimes we make everything so complicated... and so confusing... and we don't even enjoy being together and enjoy one another's special unique bonding that we all have...

In a way I seriously regret how I used to treat my parents.

Some day she may look and back and wish she had just been nicer and more grateful... let;s hope there no regrets

She is going through a very hard time though because of massive hormonal changes... so maybe take everything with a pinch of salt

I feel that is one of the hardest times for youngsters and they need as much space and understanding as possible.

But because I can see you are such a loving father - this may be easier said than done!

I will say one thing... I would have killed to have such a wonderful father such as yourself... my father was always bringing me down... and I couldn't stand it... I still can't... even though I am so successful today...

But the stress of being a bit of a big shot... eish

I have almost no time for any good healthy social life because I don't even have the time for it... it can also be completely counter productive though to work 24 / 7... God I wish there was an off switch... too much work... "Go to Joburg now we need you there!!!!! - NO THIS PROJECT IS A PRIORITY OVER THAT ONE!!! We need you in 10 places at once... can't you ****ing clone yourself!?!?!" and so on and so forth... sheesh... I don't know about being such a "heavy weight" like this anymore...

Peace, love, happniess and tranquility I feel is more important than anything else in this world... I can get lost in the "eyes of the world" and not even appreciate the wonderful life around me... happy peaceful family life... this is above all else number one to me... happiness is everything...

If you guys are happy and focus on peace and happiness... nothing can stop you

I really hoped I helped you out somehow and gave you a good footing in a way

Please let me know

I like to help situations like this one

Hey thanks for all the comments folks it has been a big help to share and get your points of view.

I suppose conflicts caused by differing parenting styles is not something you immediately think can be a problem in marriages, but it's something to think about for couples who are contemplating having kids. I urge you to discuss your attitudes to parenting.

And in my view parenting should be a collaborative business, between both parents. It should not be a case of, well husband goes out to earn the $$, and wife cares for the kids. But with a full time Mum, there is a danger that the bond between Mum and kids grows very much stronger than the bond between Dad and kids.

I am learning from my mistakes though, and have built a much more solid bond to my youngest daughter. But she is an entirely different type of personality from the eldest. Funny isn't it how siblings can be like chalk and cheese?

Wow buddy I really feel for you

Shame I understand you want to hang out with your kids and feel it is not fair...

Hmm - you are a programmer aren't you?

Well instead of working at the office why don't you try and hook yourself up with work that will allow you to work from home?

What about working form home?

That would make a huge difference I think - if it is possible for you to work from home I think you should seriously give that a shot!

Also if your situation allows it - try and get some type of freelance work where your hours are extremely flexible and where "you are your own boss".

This way you can have all the awesome benefits of working AND being with your children!

I must admit... I would go mad if I could never spend time with my children if I have them too someday... I would get very sad too

I dig you you LV426 buddy!!

I always like to see a happy family or at least trying to get along

Must have been why I worked with children for so many years

But then got HOOKED on CA$H and world domination!!!! >:--D

Phew..... but it has a price tag of it's own though..... sometimes it's just not worth it all the stress and no social life.... even coming on these forums is a blessing on it's own that I have the time to spare...

They need me in Joburg now by the looks of it ... no rest for the wicked! haha! xD

"WORK WORK WORK SLAVE!!!! YOU DO WANT TO RULE THE WORLD DON'T YOU!?!! WHAT'S UP WITH YOU!?! DON'T DIE ON US!!! GET BACK TO WORK SO YOU CAN BE A ZOMBIE LIKE THE REST OF US!!!!"

This is a really great forum, some stellar advice here from everyone. Thanks!

@rootabaga sorry to hear about your problems. I guess no relationship is perfect, unless you're very lucky, there have to be compromises somewhere along the line. But looking at the bigger picture, I am happy. I just wish the Mrs was a bit more relaxed about things when it comes to kids, but she is certainly no compromise there. Definitely a classic 'helicopter' parent. And as @lunatic59 pointed out, for their own good, I think the kids need space and opportunity to sort out problems sometimes, rather than having parents cater to their every whim and need. And you absolutely can not protect them from every conceivable danger in this world. Counselling - nah, I can't even get her to admit there's an issue, as she thinks her attitude is reasonable. Although as I say, other people looking in objectively say that yes, she is quite paranoid. But other than kids safety issues, she is a rational person. Everyone has their little flaws I suppose

@PattiCakeUS That's an extremely good piece of advice I will try harder.

@Stinky Stinky Thanks, love you too man! Don't let them grind you down.
Yes I could work from home, but now both kids are at school so it would be of little value. And I work best talking to the team in the office really. As I'm just a grunt s/w developer, I don't work long hours as it is, so that's not an issue. I do enjoy a lot of quality family time.

Have a great day folks!