Tell me a joke...

One day a big swarm of bees came through town. All of the bees swarmed
over to the Shell Gas Station except one, who went to the Esso station.
Moral: There's an Esso bee in every crowd.....

(sigh) me too

A certain AF member walks into a drug store and says he wants
to buy a condom. The druggist says, "Fine. That'll be $1.10."
"$1.10!?" says the man.
"Yes," the druggist says. "One dollar for the condom and ten
cents for the tax."
"Tacks?!!!" says the AF member. "I thought you rolled them
on."

Got one more along that line that I heard a long time ago so hopefully memory will serve:

When I first started dating my first wife she called up one day and said "Tonight is going to be special so be prepared". Well, being the type of young man I was I knew that could only mean one thing.... I was finally going to get some!
On my way home from work I stopped at the drug store and started perusing the condom section. Do you have an idea how many choices there are?? After standing there trying to figure out which choice I should make the pharmacist must have figured out my dilemma. He asked if I would like some assistance. I said "I sure would! With so many choices in size, shape, number per package, etc., I am having a hard time trying to decide". "Ah, first time? ", he asked. "Oh no, not for me it isn't by a LONG shot" I said with a knowing wink, "but it is for her and I would really like to 'educate' her!" "I see, " he said. "So you probably only need one since usually the first time is something to be treasured and taken slowly and lovingly" was his reply. I exclaimed "Look, doc, having been around the block more than a few times I have come to realize women love it as much as men so I am expecting it to be a fairly long and wild night! I also added, "To be honest, I am not entirely sure how much I even like this girl yet but I figure giving her the old 'test drive' a few times will help settle my mind one way or the other". To his credit he didn't even blink or give me an admonishing look as he reached out, grabbed a variety 12 pack, and said "Well, this should cover all the bases. Good luck, I guess".
I went home, showered, poured a half bottle of my favorite cologne all over me, put on what I thought was my sexiest clothes, and drove over to her apartment. She opened the door and was in a tight little black dress with high heels hair done beautifully, and bedroom eyes to die for. I asked "So, what is on your mind tonight?", knowing full well by the way things were going. She said, in a very sultry voice, "We have been dating for 6 months now so I figured it was time for 2 things. One is something I want and one is something I KNOW you want. So here is the deal.. We will go to my folks' house for dinner so they can meet you and if all goes well there we will come back here and you will spend the night here with me!". I knew it! I really WAS gonna get some!
We a arrived at her parents' house. It was large and once we were inside I figured out why. She had what seemed like about a hundred siblings. It was really only 7 of them but they were all so active it took me a bit to count them all correctly. I was introduced to them all. She said "Mom and dad are finishing the final touches for dinner and will be out in moments so we should all sit at the table now". Mom and dad came out carrying a good assortment of food that smelled delicious and there was plenty of it. I realized I hadn't eaten all day so my stomach over ruled any other thoughts, even including the later activities. As we were all seated her mother asked me to lead us in saying grace. I started with the usual, then asked God to bless the family, each individually, by name, bless the cat, bless the dog, bless the goldfish, bless the house, bless the community, bless the .... well, you get the idea. After about 25 minutes of this the girlfriend finally leaned over and said "I had no idea you were so religious!", to which I replied " I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist!"

He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's naughty and nice.......
Santa Clause is in breach of the new GDPR regulations

should be open now... ask away...


(obligatory joke to stay on topic.....
.....
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.” )

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. ‘Can you describe the symptoms to me?’ ‘Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

Ok so an engineering joke.

3 engineers were sitting in the bowling alley gabbing about this and that when one of them says. YOU know if God was an engineer he would be a structural engineer. The others look at him in shock, "what makes you think that?"
Well when you look at how bone is made and the elegance in design of the skeletal system that is strong and flexible you can only say it was designed by the greatest engineer the world has ever know.

The others pause a moment and agree there is some merit to the argument but then one of the other engineers says, "no God would have to be an electrical engineer" When you consider the complexity of the nervous system and interaction with muscles and the processing power of the brain how could God be anything other than the greatest electrical engineer.

with a sip of scotch the 3rd engineer with conviction states, "Cute but still incorrect, God must be an Civil Engineer, for only the greatest Civil Engineer in the universe could have put the world's greatest amusement park right next door to a waste disposal site"

what does a turtle say when riding on the back of a snail.









Whee!

An airplane was about to crash.
There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the current US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you.
America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”

Jerk!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and
could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed
down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last
two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number
still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the
same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung
up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in
my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a
jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his
voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the
telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with
our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 722-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally
her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my
horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself,
this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I
noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote
down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a
jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I
said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th
street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front. I
said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good
time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can
I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the
phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed
dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling
the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem
like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk
said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling
me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don
Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow
house and my black camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right
now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm
really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll
kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now
Jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I
climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing.

I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree
half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out
front.

Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police
wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked
o be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck
would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have
influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they
said,

"We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of
jerks!"

You're a funny guy.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the Champions League Final in Kiev. They are box seats, and include all of the travel and all of the hotel expenses etc.

But she didn't realize when she bought the tickets that this is the same day as her wedding - so she can't go to the Final and go through with the wedding at the same time.

If you're interested and want to go in her place : then please be at St. James's church at 3pm. His name is John. He will be the one at the altar in the suit alone waiting.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering

By coincidence three construction contractors all died on the
same day. One was @Zigman66 . One was @lunatic59 . One was @olbriar . St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and thought
it was a good time to get some estimates on what it would cost to
renovate the gates.

St. Peter first asked Zigman... "Well... I'd say it would
cost about $900", he responded after looking the gates over for sometime.
"I see," said St. Peter, "could you give me a breakdown of the costs?"
"I'd figure about $300 for my crew, $300 for materials, and $300 for
myself."

"That sounds fairly reasonable.", said St. Peter, and he turned to
Lunatic and asked for his estimates. "Hmmm..." He looked
the gates over and said, "I think $1200 should be adequate."
"Why twelve hundred dollars?", asked St. Peter.
"Well," said Lunatic, "I'd need $400 for my crew, because I have
a better crew. I'll need $400 for materials, because I use better
materials, and I'd need $400 for myself, because I do better work."
"I see." said St. Peter, and he turned the question over to Olbriar.
After looking the great gates over for some time, he responded,
"$2900." "$2900!" exclaimed St. Peter, "Why so much?"
"Well..." said Olbriar, "A thousand dollars for me... A
thousand dollars for you... and we can get that Zigman to do it for
$900..."

Did you hear the one about the jump rope and the lollipop?
Skip it. It sucks.

A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as
priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this
week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of
what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship
that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher
answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the
gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need
all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the
question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately
for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."