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Android Forums's 100 Laughs

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by david1215e, Dec 21, 2010.

  1. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    My wife woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and said "Oh god, you can tell I went to bed with wet hair. Look it's massive!"

    I replied, "Did you go to bed with a wet bum as well?

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  2. edge

    edge Android Enthusiast

  3. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

    "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

    She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
    olbriar, NowVoyager, Steven58 and 5 others like this.
  4. NightHawk877

    NightHawk877 Android Enthusiast

    What do you call a woodpecker that doesn't have a beak?

    A headbanger.
  5. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    Apparantly 10,000 people in the UK die every year because of excess alcohol,
    I wonder then how many people are born because of it. :D

    I'm sick of my kids not taking responsibility for anything they do!
    They're all so quick to blame to somebody else..
    It's got nothing to do with me though
    They get that from their mums side of the family. :rolleyes:

    I spotted my wife on the roof of the local supermarket earlier, with a large crowd below looking up at her.
    "Please , don't jump!" I pleaded.
    "I've had enough," she cried. "I'm gonna kill myself."
    "No way" I snapped. "Now get down and we'll go and find a higher roof." :p

    My parents died in a car crash
    It was two weeks before I started crying.
    It was when I found out they left me nothing in their will. :(

    I'm no longer with my wife and it's all because of my gambling.
    I won loads of money and moved away. ;)
    edge likes this.
  6. edge

    edge Android Enthusiast

  7. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    Bought my wife this lovely chair today
    Just need the electricity company to connect it now :p

    I'm never going back to Blockbuster again
    I was almost arrested by the police!
    I rented "Pirates of the Caribbean" from them
    Just before the film started it said
    "It is illegal to watch pirate movies."
    They didn't tell me that before I rented it though!

    If money is the root of all evil why do they ask for it in churches?

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  8. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    I walked into my bedroom and the wife was doing a dance, I said "what's this about?" she replied "I'm teasing you with a sexy dance"
    I replied "you could have fooled me I thought you were doing the Haka"

    My daughter asked, "I hope you're going to shave off that stupid moustache before we go on holiday? It's embarrassing."
    I was stunned. Bravest thing I've ever heard anyone say to the wife.

    I walked out of a club with a girl last night.
    She slipped her hand inside my jeans and said, "Yours or mine?"
    I said, "That's mine." :D

    CNN News: Serena Williams had an outburst of anger after losing in the final of the U.S Open.
    Must be all that testosterone

    I said to my son, "Where are you going?"
    He said, "I'm off to meet a girl."
    I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know."
    He said, "What?"
    I said, "You know."
    He said, "Do you mean a condom?"
    I said,"No, a hat, it's cold outside."

    I called my girlfriend who had a big test today,
    "How did you get on?" I asked.
    "Not good." She replied, "10 minutes after starting I hit a brick wall."
    "Never mind." I replied, "maybe driving isn't for you!"
  9. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    Voldemort is a lot like a teenage girl.
    He has a diary, a favourite ring and necklace, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy. :)

    I was walking down the road when I saw a boy smoking.
    So I went up to him and said, "Hey, you shouldn't smoke. How old are you?"
    He said, "Let me tell you something, my grandfather lived to 107"
    I asked, "did he smoke a lot?"
    "No, he minded his own business" :p
  10. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    Stressed :):):)

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  11. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    Like father like son ;)

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  12. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    I successfully negotiated the release of two workers being held hostage in Pizza Hut.
    I used a Buy One Get One Free voucher. ;)

    Farmer Jones has some pigs,and he wants to breed them.
    Unfortunately, all his pigs are female.
    So he calls his friend farmer Brown and ask's him if he can bring his female pigs over to breed with farmer Browns male pigs.
    Farmer Brown agrees to this, so farmer Jones loads his pigs in the truck and away they went.
    He spent a pleasant day visiting with farmer Brown, and, as evening fell, he loaded the pigs back into the truck for the return home.
    As he was leaving, he asked farmer Brown how he would know if the pigs were pregnant.
    Farmer Brown told him that if the pigs were grazing on the grass in the morning, they were pregnant, since only pregnant pigs graze.
    Farmer Jones thanked farmer Brown and drove off.
    The next morning, he looked out the window and saw that none of the pigs were grazing.
    So, he called farmer Brown, who said to bring them back for another try.
    This went on for over a week, with a new trip to farmer Browns place every day.
    One morning, nearly 2 weeks later, farmer Jones says to his wife, "Dear, will you look to see if any of those pigs are grazing? I just can't stand to do it again".
    She looks and says," No, none of them are grazing, but all of them are in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn"! :D
    cds0699 and ninja_reject like this.
  13. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    I'm making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone.
    Star Key and Hash

    For Sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold.
    Guess I should have just bought metal detector. :p

    My wife got really annoyed at my song choice at her mothers funeral.
    Apparently it's inappropriate to play Johnny Cash - Ring Of Fire :eek:

    I went into my wardrobe looking for Narnia
    Ended up in Monsters inc :eek:

    I've just ordered a chicken and an egg
    I'll let you kow which came first. :rolleyes:

    I've just realised that I'm alergic to work
    That's why I'm always itching to go home :)
  14. Steven58


    "If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."

    "Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

    Henny Youngman
  15. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    Japanese banks have been hit almost as hard as American banks
    The Origami Bank has folded
    The Sumo Bank has gone belly-up
    Bonsai Bank plans to cut some of its branches.
    Karaoke Bank is for sale and is going for a song.
    Staff at Karate Bank got the chop
    Analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank
    Where workers fear they may get a raw deal. :)
  16. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    I have two hearing aids, an artificial hip, a pacemaker and false teeth.
    I left grandma's will reading feeling she was having the last laugh. :p

    Got caught stealing a joint of beef yesterday.
    The security guard said "what do you think you're doing with that then?"
    I said "potatoes, peas and gravy" ;)
  17. Frisco

    Frisco =Luceat Lux Vestra=

    Mable: Ahh.. nothing like waking in the middle of the night when camping to a sky full of stars. Don't they just make you wonder about things in life?

    Cecil: Yes, they do.. right now I'm wondering who stole our tent.
  18. Steven58


    The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

    -Henny Youngman
  19. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    A fat chick got into my taxi today.
    "Town please," she smiled. "I've got a date!"
    "Going somewhere nice?" I asked.
    "Yes," she giggled. "He's taking me out for a meal."
    "Millionaire?" I asked. ;)

    I went to see my son play football for his school today
    I was over the moon when he scored.
    His team mates didn't seem too happy
    When he walked away with the girl. :D
  20. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    Inappropriate Hide: Mod Edit

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

    The man replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him: "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist: "May I help you?" she says. The man yells: "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

    The man replies: "Listen lady, I'm 74 years old. I only get an erection once a week. I fart 15 times a day."
  21. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member


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  22. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    Maw & Paw was real proud of the triplets,
    Yup, Cletus, Bubba and Daisy-May were 3 fine lookin' kids :rolleyes:

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  23. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    My wife is very religious.
    She makes burnt offerings every evening.

    At work today this OAP costumer kept calling me duck
    I thought to myself, if she calls me duck one more time I'm going to quack
  24. hexpert

    hexpert Well-Known Member

    Just created my first website!
    Quite an achievement for an Arachnophobic!

    C3PO was found dead earlier to-day
    May he Rust In Peace ;)

    When moths die do they hear a voice telling them to come into the light?

    It's the Stone Age. A caveman's wife comes running up, screaming:
    "Ugg! A sabre-toothed tiger has just walked into my mother's cave!"
    Ugg replies: "Stupid tiger. It'll just have to fight its own way out, won't it?"
  25. Steven58


    “Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.”

    -Henny Youngman
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