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how many times.. can you breakup with the same person.. before you know it is over?

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by dan330, Apr 16, 2018 at 1:51 PM.

  1. dan330

    dan330 Android Expert
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    Damn... this is rough!!!!

    loving .. trying to love.. trying to make it work...
    but I just cant make that square peg .. fit in that round slot!!!

    we try.. but she knows me so well.. can push my buttons so fast.
    and it gets quicker each time.
    and of course i know her buttons.

    it just not fair... we are both want it... but because of history together.. we are doomed to fail.

    broken up at least 7 times.. months apart at times...
    and just split again a week ago! a few days after we agreed we wanted marriage together.

    so damn complicated... so damn painful...
    do i cut my losses and run? can i run?

     

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    #1 dan330, Apr 16, 2018 at 1:51 PM
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2018 at 2:18 PM
  2. Rob

    Rob I'm tellin' mommy on you!
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    This is the all-important question that will determine which direction you should go (in my opinion). Without knowing the history that dictates the on-and-off nature of your relationship it's impossible to provide relevant insight. It may be TMI to share here... but if you can provide more context, maybe we can provide better insight!
     
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  3. lunatic59

    lunatic59 Moderati ergo sum
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    Here's the determining factor, Dan.

    Is it possible for the both of you to know each other's buttons and NOT push them? If it's right, you should protect each other's vulnerabilities, not exploit them.
     
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  4. Stinky Stinky

    Stinky Stinky Android Expert
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    Monkey
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    And this is why you are in an incredible league / class of your own! ;)

    I agree with Lunie's extremely wise words. :)

    Lunie is genius! :D

    Lunie for president!!! The whole world will be fixed in an instant! :D

    Love is such a complicated thing indeed - I loved my ex so much but it was extremely difficult as well - I truly did love her thats why it was so amazing (and scary!) and can be so complex and intricate / detailed.

    Nietzsche once said - "What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil. "

    This is how incredibly complex love is!

    That is a great quote by the way! ;)

    However in your current situation what it sounds like is going on here is - like lunie said you are pushing each other's button instead of protecting your vulnerabilities.

    Lunie is right that is also what it sounds like to me :)

    Can I PM you Dan?

    I would like to ask an important question that I feel will help tremondously :)

    Let me give you a PM quick to see if I can help :)
     
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  5. LV426

    LV426 I say we take off and nuke this place from orbit
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    I agree. A loving relationship doesn't involve trying to hurt each other. Sorry but this one sounds rather toxic and destructive.
     
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  6. dan330

    dan330 Android Expert
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    no no no.. i think i have not expressed it correctly...

    we are NOT out to hurt each other... mostly it is a very loving relationship.

    just that TOOOO OFTEN... we get into extremely minor arguments / petty. but they grow to big fights.. because we try to argue the issue. here is when the buttons are pushed.

    3 times a week... !!!!!! damn that is too stressful.


    and... not to be small.. or color your view.
    99% of the time...after 2 -4 hrs of fighting...
    she eventually sees the issue.. and agrees she is wrong and apologies.. promises to stop.

    or i get tired of the arguing in CIRCLES...
    fighting over her ... silly / stupid / incorrect excuses
    not about the main issue....
    around and around...
    and i walk out....

    rinse and repeat! too damn often!!!
     
  7. lunatic59

    lunatic59 Moderati ergo sum
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    But really, unless the spat is about something illegal or dangerous, the issue become irrelevant very quickly. If you need to win ... be right ... prove a point ... no matter what it takes, then you lose.
     
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  8. joe71

    joe71 Android Enthusiast
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    Dan330. Okay lets just get straight to the facts. 1) your not interested in a relationship with this lady. Your interested in the game you too are playing.
    2) she's a temporary safe zone. You broken up with her seven times. Seems to me she's a fall back girl friend
    You get involved with another lady. You and the other lady started getting too close, you start to feel uneasy and before you know it the current girlfriend isn't working out so you jump ship and head for the old girlfriend because she's safe.
    3) I am going to say you have possible commitment issues. The possibility of being attached to one person I think might scare the living cr@p out of you.
    You and this girl need to go your separate ways. Move on. You can continue on but as others have pointed out this relationship is very toxic and no good will come up.
     
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  9. dan330

    dan330 Android Expert
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    ...... no one said anything about any 3rd parties... ZERO... NONE.....

    we are faithful to each other!

    i am very interested in a relationship with this ONE woman!
    and vise versa.

    this post is about 1 thing... fighting .. because we fight too much.
     
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  10. Rob

    Rob I'm tellin' mommy on you!
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    Speaking only from my personal experience...

    Most humans (including myself) are stubborn and view differences of opinion as right vs wrong. Nobody enjoys being wrong. What we neglect to understand - especially in the heat of the moment - is that each person comes to the table with different viewpoints, opinions, life experiences, etc...

    If you truly want to salvage the relationship, you'll understand that being right or wrong is of very little consequence and what is important is the harmony of the relationship.

    Even if you think you're correct, you'll be the one to apologize. You'll be tempted to sneak "ifs" and "buts" in your apology, but don't. Simply apologize for the misunderstanding, express that (not how) your point was different, and explain that you will try better in the future to understand what upsets them because you want to see them happy.

    At first it might seem like overkill- do it anyways. Introducing this type of harmony and understanding into the relationship has the unique ability to force the other side to look inwardly and eventually reciprocate. It may take a lot of time, and a lot of apologizing even when you'd normally point your finger to the other person, but be persistent and vigilante in your attempt to self-regulate.

    I think this plant the seed that resets that boundaries and terms of the relationship. With so much baggage, people get their roots deeply entrenched in feelings, conversations, moments, etc... and those enter into the picture of new disagreements and understandings even when they should not.

    Rip the roots out of the ground. Try to start fresh. You mustn't tell the other person you're doing this- just do it yourself. See if it works.

    At the same time this doesn't mean you need to be silent regarding your own displeasures. Just don't express them immediately. Stop yourself before reacting, take a breather, return to the topic when you're clear headed, and calmly say, "I want to talk to you about something important when you have a moment."

    Saying something is important to you, even if it's small in the grand scheme of things, may help the other person to be more understanding instead of confrontational. Your goal isn't to get an apology or prove the other person wrong, just to help them understand how something made you feel. If they truly love you, they'll try on their own to learn these things and avoid upsetting you in the future.

    All the above sounds pretty straight forward, but the truth is it's hard to do. Because nobody wants to be wrong. Nobody wants to feel vulnerable. But in my opinion, having the ability to admit when you're wrong, show vulnerability, and put the happiness of your significant other and health of your relationship above your own pride is one of the best expressions of love you can show.

    This may or may not ring true in your particular relationship, but it's stuff I've taught myself after the course of many, many failed relationships! It's serving me well right now, but everyone is a constant work-in-progress.

    On the flip side, it's okay to reach a point in the relationship where you realize it just won't work. A relationship not working often isn't one or the other person's failures, just a difference in compatibility. You can still love that person. And when you do, sometimes letting that person go even though you love them is what's best for both of you.
     
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  11. dan330

    dan330 Android Expert
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    yeah.. i see your point... and agree to the idea of it.

    but in gets old.. letting it go.. because if you let enough of them go.. as not worth the trouble. the other person things they are right. they won the argument .. therefore i lost.
    and feel that "i am always wrong".

    i do try to let it go... but i cant let them all go... it just hard too.


    i dont want to give to much details.. so i will not.
     
  12. LV426

    LV426 I say we take off and nuke this place from orbit
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    In answer to your original question - 7 is too many times. It's not working.
     
  13. Unforgiven

    Unforgiven OK Google
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    I keep things in my life very simple. So this applies to me, and I'll offer it as a suggestion. If you "keep score" or concern yourself with who "won" then you both have already lost. I'll happily be wrong 100 times with my wife, because she is often right. And instead of getting angry at her for the things she is habitually wrong about, I laugh and accept that as part of the person I fell in love with. You have to love with your heart, not your brain. Love is illogical, where your brain looks for things to be right or wrong. You need to build up that trust so that when you are wrong, or right, it isn't added to a scoreboard. No relationship can survive that.
     
  14. Rob

    Rob I'm tellin' mommy on you!
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    You need to reframe the way you think about disagreements (in my opinion). Try to force every disagreement towards one question: how can we better understand each other?

    If you have a problem with something the other person did, don't approach them in a way that suggests they did something wrong, but instead explain how it made you feel and ask if they can take a mental note of it for the future.

    If they have a problem with you, apologize- whether you feel they have a right to be upset or angry is of no consequence. Whatever happened made them feel bad and making someone happy should be the goal, so learning and avoiding these negative actions are helpful even if you don't truly believe you were at fault. It's all perception and no two people look at the world through the same eyes (except maybe siamese twins?).

    Once it feels like you're keeping score, you've both lost.

    Have you considered going to relationship counseling?

    PS: I agree that 7 seems like too many times. If you're going to try again, make it clear that these big blow ups and breakups cannot happen. You need to wipe the slate clean, each give it a sincere shot, and if it doesn't work out, both be content that moving on is the best option.

    PPS: I also find that drama has a way of being addicting, so unhealthy relationships with huge ups and downs are often attractive for reasons we can't fathom. I suppose it's like loving horror movies: you don't really want to be scared, but the thrill of feeling such an emotional rush can be incredibly enjoyable. However... you don't want your life to be a horror movie.
     
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  15. no one

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  16. Rob

    Rob I'm tellin' mommy on you!
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    Best 2 sentences of the thread IMO
     
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  17. Stinky Stinky

    Stinky Stinky Android Expert
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    Hmm this is a interesting but tricky one Dan... I don't know if you would like me to help explain it here or I don't know if it will help with our chat over the pm messages instead... Or which you prefer... I will never compromise anything ever especially such a delicate situation such as this - only if you are comfortable with it my good friend :)

    The moth and the flame Dan... The moth and the flame my dear good friend... Ahh very interesting... This is why you keep coming back...again and again... It is much clearer now... You get burnt... Her interesting energy it is mesmerising at times isn't it my friend?

    Almost hypnotic at times... You can't resist her smolderong intensity.... But sometimes not is all as what it appears...

    I love the occult sciences!

    I should have changed my user name to Voodoo Child!



    Calmly (and honestly - honesty is very important here) express yourself Dan I will not judge you... There are issues I see it clearer now...

    Honesty is important for this one as you are not being entirely honest with yourself here.

    If I have said too much then please let the mods know to immediately remove or delete what ever you desire or are not comfortable or happy with... I will never be mean to you especially on such sensitive matters I am not that kind of person :)

    Yes the situation is somewhat ...expressive.. dramatic... Literal... hmm... But extremely enigmatic with complex energies... With swirling emotions...

    Dramatic is true...and expressive as well..

    This is of a passionate nature and energy... Fire and earth with smolderong intensity...

    An interesting mix...

    She makes you feel alive doesn't she my good friend?

    But that fire... All that heat... it must go somewhere...
     
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  18. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    My wife and I will state our opinion and if there is a difference it is not an argument.. it's an opinion. We never argue but respect each other's opinion. People view things differently and there are often more than one RIGHT on a topic. 47 years or marriage here and zero arguments. I respect my wife's opinions and she respects mine. We refuse to fight over opinions. There is no big bad badge for being right in a relationship... only loneliness and hard feelings.
     
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  19. dontpanicbobby

    dontpanicbobby Android Expert
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    I was going to say 2 but then I read your original post. If infedelity is involved the answer is 2. If it's just arguments causing the breakups then the number approaches infinity. Love is weird like that. Just remember, when they die: Game over man. Game over.
     
  20. Stinky Stinky

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    Yes dan330 buddy my friend unfortunately you might have to call it quits unfortunately my friend.

    I will maybe send you a PM my friend.

    I am sorry my friend and you are such a nice guy too ;(
     
  21. dan330

    dan330 Android Expert
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    i want to add...

    i do really love her... she is awesome... great woman. great friend...
    she matches me in every way.

    but 1... we fight...

    i think i have narrowed it down to the root cause. (if you believe that i am not bias on this)
    she get angry easy... over really silly things.
    in general i try to let them go.. but sometimes it too silly to accept.
    once she is angry.. she can not admit, it was out-of-line...
    and says things to make it ok... to prove it was a proper reaction... to LIE!!! (yes.. silly)
    that is my button.. the silly lies / alternate truths.. NOT mean lies.. NOT SHIT..
    just crazy little lies to help her argument, to confirm the reason why she is upset.

    now we fight ... argue.. debate.. these silly lies..
    not about the original issue.. but about the stupid lies.. these "reasons" for being in the right to be upset at me.
    around and around.

    here is the end result. she keeps going...
    till.............I am fed up.. and angry.. and yelling..
    that is when she sees.. she has gone to far..
    and then stops.. then admits the lies.. the crap.
    says she is sorry.. will do better.. will stop

    but i am now .. pissed.. it is hard to cool down. but i do
    rinse .. repeat..
    .....

    tired... tired... tired..
     
  22. LV426

    LV426 I say we take off and nuke this place from orbit
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    You may love her, but the fact that you broke up 7 times speaks volumes. Are you going to be happy long term with this woman? I suspect not. It depends where you see the relationship going. She sounds like quite an angry person. Why is that?
     
  23. dan330

    dan330 Android Expert
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    good question...

    is it me? do i bring it out?
    or is she just frustrated.. and easy to anger..
    could it be from her past relationships?

    i have to admit.. because i am in the middle of this.. i can not see the answer.
     
  24. LV426

    LV426 I say we take off and nuke this place from orbit
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    I think it may be an idea to talk these issues out with her. Is she unhappy in her current life? Job?
    It's also quite possible that something in the past has created this attitude. Sometimes if nasty things happen when people are young, they can have long lasting and damaging effects on the person.
    Or like you say, could be the result of previous relationships.
    Difficult to say, until you know more about her, and her history.
     
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  25. lunatic59

    lunatic59 Moderati ergo sum
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    Dan, my wife turns very b*tchy when she's frustrated or she's made a mistake and it comes out as being aggressively angry with anyone nearby. That somebody is usually me. I learned a long time ago that she's not really mad at anyone but herself and not to take anything she says or does personally. I give her a hug and then give her some space.

    It's worked for 34 years so far. :D
     
    #25 lunatic59, Apr 17, 2018 at 1:55 PM
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2018 at 2:16 PM
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