I'm gonna smash this phone

that's a good start. we might need some more information to help. are you rooted? if so which rom, which kernel. if not is your phone up to date? did a recent update cause this? have you tried a factory reset?

 

well, the only thing I can suggest is check for updates, factory reset, or take it in.

 

Hi there davidh, welcome to the forums!

The headphone indicator means that your phone thinks you have headphones plugged in, regardless of whether or not you do. Sometimes plugging and unplugging headphones multiple times will solve this issue. Have you tried rebooting the phone?

And yes, the reason you cannot use the earpiece on the top of the phone is because it thinks you have headphones plugged in.

 

Also, if you could tell us which phone you have, we can direct you to the forum for your specific phone. Others may have had the same issue and can tell you a resolution