Social anxiety discussion

[Kaizuroge]

Well to start the new year off I can happily say that I have a girlfriend.

Being socially awkward made dating really hard. But I did have relationships in the past. The longest being 10yrs. Ended in a bad breakup. After that I didn't bother with dating. I was settled with the idea of being a bachelor for life. I felt nothing wrong with it.

My girlfriend, well we are colleagues. We've always worked together for the past 2yrs and she's very outgoing and fun to be around. Our work projects always made it possible for us to travel together and that's where it all started I guess.

Always working that we ended up eating dinner together while working and that sort. We just sort of fell into a routine.

Which led to us spending my birthday together. She actually surprised me by visiting me that day. And then we spent the holidays together as well.

I got sick new year's eve and she was there to take care of me. I already liked her even before that. I mean she's a catch to begin with. After I got better I confessed my feelings to her. It was the scariest thing I ever felt doing.

Since we don't have the same culture she just listened to my confession and then smiled at me.

I started to feel like a fool when I saw that. But my anxiety disappeared when she said she felt the same way about me.

So now we're a couple. And it's the most wonderful start for the new year for me.

 

[Deleted User]

Peeing your pants is always an ice breaker.

 

[lunatic59]

After I got better I confessed my feelings to her. It was the scariest thing I ever felt doing.

Been there, done that, with both happy and devastating results. I hope everything works out for you and your girlfriend is "the one" (and no, I don't mean part of the Matrix )

 

[Deleted User]

Been there, done that, with both happy and devastating results. I hope everything works out for you and your girlfriend is "the one" (and no, I don't mean part of the Matrix )

How do you know if you've found "the one" until you've tried them all? Just sayin..

 

[lunatic59]

How do you know if you've found "the one" until you've tried them all? Just sayin..

It's always the last one you "try".

 

[Kaizuroge]

Been there, done that, with both happy and devastating results. I hope everything works out for you and your girlfriend is "the one" (and no, I don't mean part of the Matrix )

Thanks.

I wouldn't mind doing the superman thing though [emoji23] [emoji23]

 

[lunatic59]

I don't know. Superman in a trench coat always seemed a little creepy.

 

[Kaizuroge]

Better than the original Superman who wears briefs on the outside [emoji23] [emoji23]

 

[dan330]

How do you know if you've found "the one" until you've tried them all? Just sayin..

currently working through the list....

how does that saying go again??....
sometimes it is not about the destination.. but the journey

 

[Deleted User]

How many of these can you identify with? My daughter just got a book explaining Aspergers, and the book literally describes her behaviour exactly.
For those who do not understand, read and learn -

 

[Kaizuroge]

How many of these can you identify with? My daughter just got a book explaining Aspergers, and the book literally describes her behaviour exactly.
For those who do not understand, read and learn -

View attachment 114605

Well I read and checked. I can identify with 5/8 of those.

 

[Deleted User]

I can tell you that I tick most of those boxes, and I find real time conversation hard, particularly on a social chit-chat level. It's not that I don't want to talk, I really do, but quite often I can't think of an appropriate response, or absolutely no words will come into my head and I just end up with an awkward silence. And you know what the other person then thinks? He doesn't like me. Not true.
It's almost impossible for neuro-typical (NT) people to understand that AS people find social conversation difficult, but then, why would I expect them to. Nobody knows what's going on inside my head. Maybe I should wear a badge that says "I really do like you, but don't be upset if you have to do most of the talking"

 

[dan330]

^^^^
ok.. i know this is going to sound stupid to the ppl that have this issue...

but if you want to talk.. but cant... and fear the other person might take it personally .. in a social setting...
why not just tell that person so.. something like:
"you seem cool.. i want to have a chit-chat.. but i have a hard time in social settings. please dont take this personally".
sure it might be hard to them to even say it.. i guess.
how about a card that says so.. just had the card out..

i know that if someone said that to me... i would be cool.. and allow them time to come back when they feel ready. i would be willing to move at their speed. even if they only want to just... hang around till they do.

 

[Kaizuroge]

^^^^
ok.. i know this is going to sound stupid to the ppl that have this issue...

but if you want to talk.. but cant... and fear the other person might take it personally .. in a social setting...
why not just tell that person so.. something like:
"you seem cool.. i want to have a chit-chat.. but i have a hard time in social settings. please dont take this personally".
sure it might be hard to them to even say it.. i guess.
how about a card that says so.. just had the card out..

i know that if someone said that to me... i would be cool.. and allow them time to come back when they feel ready. i would be willing to move at their speed. even if they only want to just... hang around till they do.

This would be great if we're living in an ideological world. But truth be told some people are just assholes.

I hope most people are like who has an open mind about things. But the reality is most people who I do encounter and talk with are just plain ignorant and or assholes about it.

 

[Deleted User]

This would be great if we're living in an ideological world. But truth be told some people are just assholes.

I hope most people are like who has an open mind about things. But the reality is most people who I do encounter and talk with are just plain ignorant and or assholes about it.

Hehe! Brutal, but true I'm afraid. I take @dan330's point, and in some situations, making people aware of your difficulties could be an option, but mostly I don't think it's that practical, and it may actually increase the anxiety.
But the plain fact is, we all know teenage years can be hell, even without such problems. And young people are by nature immature, and have absolutely no understanding or awareness that people can be socially anxious. They just think they're odd, and avoid them. Because this condition isn't visible, and many sufferers actually try to mask their problems.
If I was in charge at school, I would be putting up posters with pictures like the ones I showed above. Just try to make people aware that some kids have difficulties, and it's not because they're miserable and unsociable characters, it's that they're very nervous and need patience. I really don't know why schools aren't doing more on this front, because these days, the problems of an autistic nature, like social anxiety and aspergers are well understood and accepted conditions. You could even call them disabilities.

 

[Deleted User]

Just to follow up on that last issue, and apologies if this is going into a rant, but I really feel that in the 35 or so years since I was at school, nothing has changed! I can sort of forgive them in my days, because back then, if a kid wrote his letters back to front, then they weren't considered to be dyslexic, they were either stupid, or lazy and had to try harder. And if kids couldn't interact properly with their peers, then they must be 'shy' and had to be 'brought out of their shell'. You see there was even less knowledge about abnormal psychological conditions. I say abnormal, but it's not really is it, because what the hell is "normal".

But skip forward to the present, and we have recognised conditions regarding social difficulties, autistic spectrum tests, and schools claim to recognise these conditions, but have no proper strategies in place. And I don't believe you can teach someone how to be social, or somehow coach out the anxiety they feel. That's the way they are!! You don't cure autism do you?
I really think that schools could and should be doing a lot more. Christ I wish I was in charge, I'd really shake it up.

 

[dan330]

high school teenagers .. that would be hard group to deal with...
but in college or later... if u told someone... and they did not react correctly..
why bother or worry about loosing that person as a potential friend... move on.



i know.. i know... easy to say. because i aint got that problem.
but if a person with this issue.. is allowed to fester and hide and wall-up....
i can see how this would be a downward spiral onto itself!
making the climb out .. harder and harder as time goes on..

 

[lunatic59]

Because with every failure it's a reinforcement of the anxiety while any success is a fluke. That's what goes on in my brain. "Move on" is not an option just as "get over it" or any of the other meaningless platitudes. It's not that these things are said to be deliberately hurtful, but they are because it's a very difficult condition understand if you've never experienced it.

 

[ocnbrze]

I'm sorry that so many people suffer from anxiety. I know what it is. My doctor prescribed pills, but having checked the info about them on virtual pharmacy, I decided not to take them. I'm currently doins sorts and yoga. Also massage and meditation work great. Can someone share more natural ways of treatment?

i'm sorry that you suffer from anxiety. but i would never trust 100% from reading things online. it makes me wonder, especially right now, how people do not listen to scientists and doctors. where did this distrust begin? all the doctors i know have always had their patient's health in mind over profits or other political motivations. my doctor is pretty cool. she would probably recommend acupuncture as she does with pretty everything else....LOL i hate needles so that is not an option for me.

and i can't speak for anxiety....never been diagnosed with one, but i do know that finding hobbies that i enjoy keeps my mind at peace. for me i have taken up fish keeping as a way to keep my mind off of things. i also have taken up cooking as well. and with covid rampaging thru my city (L.A) i try to get out to walk my dog as much as i can.

other then pills, i'm not sure what else you can take that will ease your anxiety....other then booze or weed....LOL

 

[lunatic59]

My doctor prescribed pills, but having checked the info about them on virtual pharmacy, I decided not to take them.

I've tried them all, alone and in combination ... ALWAYS under the supervision of an M.D. ... and frankly I can't say I'm impressed with modern pharmaceuticals. The last one I was on for close to a year was Effexor®, which was probably the most effective for my anxiety. But, all these anti-anxiety meds have side effects and sometimes they are worse than the anxiety. I am happy that these kinds of drugs are available and work for many people, but frankly, like antibiotics, the medical community is prescribing them far too much. Granted, pharmaceutical marketing is partially to blame. When a patient walks in self-diagnosed because they saw a commercial and then read something on the internet, what's a doctor to do?

I've been told frequently to keep trying until i find the right combination to make me feel better, but sometimes it feels like I'm a guinea pig and not a patient. FWIW I am currently off the anxiety meds all throughout the pandemic and am doing better than I thought I would.

other then booze or weed

Don't knock booze and weed It's only a temporary "fix" but sometimes all a person needs is a break from the anxiety to be able to get a handle on it. That said, even recreational substances are drugs and must be used cautiously and responsibly.

 

[joe71]

I had a very dysfunctional family by the time I was 8 or 9 I was in my first foster home, I was in foster and group homes till I was 18. When people found out that I live in a group home or foster home they would stop talking to me, I became a loner a social piriah .
One area that I didn't have a problem with was speaking in front of a group especially in front of other students. A lot of students would be an absolute nervous wreck, stuttering, on the verge of passing out.
I think what help was I didn't see my follow students as equal peers.
Years later when I meet the wife and her family and got married. At family events I wouldn't leave my wife's side, the whole family interaction scared the living $#@t out of me.
My wife would go to the bathroom and I would wait outside the door till she was done. It took me almost 10 years to get comfortable around them

 

[joe71]

How do you know if you've found "the one" until you've tried them all? Just sayin..

Growing up I had this image of the woman I want to marry basically a super sexy Playboy bunny who was semi intelligence and could cook. Then I meet my wife she wasn't a super sexy Playboy bunny, she was simply beautiful and she had this incredible personality.
My happiest times were and are still with her. We have been married 26 years now

 

[Davdi]

Although I've never been formally diagnose, several people have said that I may have a mild form of Asperger's. Back in the 1970's when I was in my 20s I was at a conference, and felt that I just had to speak on a topic that was well informed about. Anyway, I put my slip in and eventually was called. I'm sure I wasn't very coherent, but the audience of around 1200 delegates heard me out, and even applauded when I stumbled to the end. Since then I've made a point of speaking in public events whenever possible, to the point where my last job before retiring was as a cyber security trainer for a large UK training organization. You can overcome social anxiety, you just have to have a very strong motivation to. I my case it was to correct some of the ill informed Bulls**t that other speakers were spouting.

 

[lunatic59]

I became a loner a social piriah ... I think what help was I didn't see my follow students as equal peers.

Ever see the remake of the movie "Angels in the Outfield" with Danny Glover? A line in that rang true for me ... kids who go through rough times very young are generally well grounded in reality. While I certainly don't recommend it, it does make you mature beyond your years. All throughout school I had more in common with the teachers than other students. I found the other students to be shallow idiots rather than curious or inspired thinkers.

My happiest times were and are still with her. We have been married 26 years now

We are celebrating our 35th anniversary this year. We were going to take a trip to Savannah (because we've been told it's beautiful, has a great art community and we've never been) but .... COVID ... 'nuf said. I feel sorriest for my wife and son. Having grown up with a father who had mental illness (and didn't handle it well) I sometimes feel like I'm inflicting the same $h!t on them. They didn't sign up for this ... and before you quote the "better or worse" part of the marriage vows, they did NOT include bat$h!t crazy.

I my case it was to correct some of the ill informed Bulls**t that other speakers were spouting.

I don't really have any problem speaking my mind to groups, either in a small meeting or an auditorium. I walk out there thinking I have to dumb down most of it anyway because the majority of the population are gullible morons who will always accept easy explanations over anything that requires a little thought, even if it means believing in magic, aliens or God. My biggest fear now is being ask to speak on topics I'm not familiar with and then publicly called out for being wrong. You'd be surprised that when you are knowledgeable in a few areas, people expect you to be expert in everything.

 

[joe71]

I think it was in 8th or 9th grade I took some speech class or public speaking class and the teacher had said something about building a connection with the audience. We were supposed to give a speech about something I don't recall, any how the day of the speech the entire day had just out right suck something happened in the morning and it snowball out control.
So when my turn came I stood up in front of the class and instead of introducing myself and telling the class what I would be talking about the first thing I said was "hello you bleeping insects" (might have been parasites) the teachers jaw hit the floor. After that I wasn't too popular in the class with the students or teacher