Tell me a joke...

[olbriar]

Marriage is sharing
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife .
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered -----
'THE TEETH.'

 

[olbriar]

Don't Honk At Old People
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

 

[Milo Willamson]

Don't Honk At Old People
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

True, I never honked even verbually at anyone.

 

[rootabaga]

It is so cold here that when I went to the bank this morning the teller was wearing a ski mask!

It is so Covid-19 here that everyone in the bank is wearing a mask... -- or should I emote

 

[rootabaga]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

He asked, 'Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

 

[Davdi]

A man went to a psychic show, when the psychic asked if anyone in the audience had ever had a relationship with a ghost, one man said he'd had a very rewarding relation shop with one on a farm a few years ago. When the psycchic asked if the man knew the ghost's identity, the man replied 'Sorry, I thought you said with a GOAT'.

 

[olbriar]

 

[rootabaga]

I don’t know who Bill Yardley is. But if this is a personal story, he’s like an evil genius...

 

[olbriar]

A lawyer story
Boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer,
and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, the flight attendant used the
intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up . . . so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. LAWYERS AREN'T AS SMART AS THEY THINK THEY ARE.

2. BLONDES AREN'T AS DUMB AS MOST FOLKS THINK.

 

[rootabaga]

 

[Deleted User]

Australians drink too:

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

[Deleted User]

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "Youre wrong, thats not the moon, thats the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky thats shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I dont live around here."

 

[rootabaga]

When I die, I want to go like my grandpa, peacefully in my sleep...


Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car!

 

[olbriar]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,
you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites'

 

[Deleted User]

A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink. "Sorry" the bartender says, "but you obviously already had a little to much to drink."
Fuming mad the drunk walks out the front door and walks back in through the side door. “Can I have a drink please.” “Sorry” the bartender says “but you can’t have a drink here.”
The drunk walks out. He comes in again through the back door. “Can I please have a drink.” “Enough!” The bartender screamed “I told You No Drinks!” The Drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed “Darn! how many bars you work at.”

 

[olbriar]

Afternoon Sex
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon " quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.



"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

" Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"



Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,

"How do you know they're having sex?"



" Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle ."

 

[Davdi]

"I say Watson, I've been constipated for a whole week"

"No Sh*t Sherlock".

 

[olbriar]

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[dontpanicbobby]

I miss misogyny.

 

[Davdi]

IN times past in France, one of the nobility was the Grand Duc de Lyon.
He was very wealthy ass he owned a large rubber plantation.

He was known as (Drum roll) The original rubber Duc.

 

[olbriar]

 

[Milo Willamson]

That background table it is matched from the Illini Union table design.. With the criss-cross bowling pins like that.

 

[olbriar]

 

[Milo Willamson]

Was first like "Okay so they are plotting to show about death quickly to the little girl, oh wait, as the jokes continue, the father is going to do something, so yeah that is how it end."

 

[olbriar]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now,I'm going to Rome next weekAnd. I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer freakin' candle'