Tell me a joke...

[Davdi]

That must have been a very enjoyable flight.

 

[olbriar]

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed cash.
So... He walked into a bank in New York City and met with a loan officer. He explained that he was going to Paris for an International hillbilly festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; he explained that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the hillbilly handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The hillbilly produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the hillbilly from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the hillbilly returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

[olbriar]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

 

[olbriar]

 

[Milo Williamson]

Ages ago,
someone wrote in my name in a blank page,
I ask not to be so quick about it, instead they pretended I was there, a ghost walking throughout the door ways,
an understatment of becoming something so stupid at first, then again, I think what they meant by that was just the person was a ghost.
Sorry to make you think about that for a second

 

[no one]

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?



She chewed off 3 legs, and was still stuck in the trap.

 

[no one]

Two blondes were walking through the woods. They came across some tracks.

1st Blond: I think these are dear tracks.
2nd Blond: No silly, these are moose tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

[no one]

 

[no one]

Two guys are walking down the street, they see a dog licking himself.

1st guy: I wish I could do that

2nd guy: Maybe you should pet him first.

 

[Milo Williamson]

Two wolves were walking down the road.

In borad daylight, the owner named them both lunar.

 

[olbriar]

 

[olbriar]

 

[olbriar]

 

[rootabaga]

I’m exhausted just from the thought of watching someone do push-ups…

 

[Deleted member 2157292]

(Imagination stretch required. Told by an Indian professor but any nationality works)

So this Indian guy is sitting next to Einstein, and Einstein says:
"It's a long flight. Why don't we have a Competition?
I'll ask you a question, and then if you can't answer it, you give me $5.
Then you csn ask me a question, and if I can't answer it - as I am Einstein, then I will give you $500."

The Indian guy thought to himself:
This is a good deal. If I can't answer it then it's $5, but if he can't answer it I get $500.

So he told Einstein "Alright. You go first."

So Einstein said "How far is the Moon from the Earth" ... and the Indian thought and thought. He said "You know what. I really don't have the exact answer. Here is $5"

Then he looked at Einstein and said': "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

So Einstein works through all his knowledge of science and couldn't figure out what he was talking about. He takes out his wallet and gives him $500.

Einstein's turn again.

He said: ''You know, before I ask another question, what really goes up the hill with three legs, and comes down with four?''
... and the Indian puts his hand in his pocket and gives him $5.

 

[Milo Williamson]

Ya know if you know the silent letters that are given to a loud voice, what would you get oh..... This "KQVERINREC and sometimes Sea." You are welcome.

 

[olbriar]

 

[no one]

What do you get if you put ducks in a cement mixer?





Quacks in the pavement.

 

[no one]

 

[olbriar]

 

[Deleted member 2157292]

A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered champagne ....

The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence," said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked "What are you celebrating?"

"Mt husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynaecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer.

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile...."

"but now they are all set to lay fertilised eggs."

"That is awesome," said the woman, "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said....

"What a coincidence!"

 

[Milo Williamson]

Have you all met the headliner of the show, heard it was a head

 

[olbriar]

 

[olbriar]

 

[Deleted member 2157292]

OK. Some of you may have caught this as a joke of the day, but it's the first clean one in a while.....


Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year...

and every time he would say to her "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter... "

But, Ethel would always reply, "I know, Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now... "

"If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance."

Once again, Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

This time, the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I'll make a deal with you... "

"I'll take both of you for a ride - if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you... "

"But, if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."

Walter and Ethel agreed, and up they went in the helicopter...

The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.

The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn't so much as one word said.

When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you... "

"I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't - I'm really impressed!"

Walter replied, "Well, to be honest, I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know... "

"50 dollars is 50 dollars."