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Tell me a joke...
- Thread starter Daniel Fernandes
- Start date
Wow.
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were all at the doctors office for checkups due to pregnancy. The redhead said "I am going to have a girl because I was on top during conception". The brunette said "I am having a boy because I was on bottom". The blonde immediately burst out in tears and said "I'm gonna have puppies!"
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Milo Willamson
Android Expert
Two college guys decided to marry the same girl, plot twist they are from the south!
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M
Member2035261
Guest
( :cough: pardon me but it's tough to find a clean bar joke!)
Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.
The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team!"
The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have a football team."
Upon which the Mormon man replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.
The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team!"
The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have a football team."
Upon which the Mormon man replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
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Three salesmen travelling by train across Europe were meeting with a lawyer to finalize a deal between them. One was a Russian selling vodka. One was a Frenchman selling wine. The third was an American with a briefcase full of cash. The Frenchman opened a bottle of his best wine, poured a glass and threw the rest of the bottle from the train.
"Why did you do that?" asked the American.
"We have so much wine in my country, we throw it away."
The Russian opened a bottle of his best vodka, took one sip and threw the bottle from the train.
"We have so much vodka in Russia, we do the same!" Exclaimed the Russian.
The American looked at the Frenchman, then at the Russian and finally at his briefcase full of cash. Then he threw the lawyer off the train.
"Why did you do that?" asked the American.
"We have so much wine in my country, we throw it away."
The Russian opened a bottle of his best vodka, took one sip and threw the bottle from the train.
"We have so much vodka in Russia, we do the same!" Exclaimed the Russian.
The American looked at the Frenchman, then at the Russian and finally at his briefcase full of cash. Then he threw the lawyer off the train.
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Miffed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish, ' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien, 'He damn near killed me’! ‘How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his **** over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Miffed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish, ' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien, 'He damn near killed me’! ‘How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his **** over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. ...
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both...
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both...
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
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Yeah...
Just a bit busy studying for exams, so I missed some notifications... My exams end on Friday so I'll be more active then...
Here are some of the error messages I've been getting for a while now:
-"The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..."
-"WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue."
-"Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though."
-"Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue..."
-"General Failure's Fault. Not Yours."
-"Hit any user to continue."
-"Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying."
-"Smash forehead on keyboard to continue."
-"Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can."
-Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
-Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
-Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
-This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
-Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way
I wonder what's wrong...
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While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I'm OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
"I'm OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and drove home.
Eventually, he called my mobile and said "Bring it back right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and drove home.
Eventually, he called my mobile and said "Bring it back right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
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Mr. Jones lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him...
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile marker 100 and Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,
and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Jones, your husband must have been such
a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “The SOB had a paper route.”
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him...
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile marker 100 and Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,
and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Jones, your husband must have been such
a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “The SOB had a paper route.”
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
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^^^That joke was banned^^^
But now that I think of it, China never signed the treaty
But now that I think of it, China never signed the treaty
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M
Member2035261
Guest
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing.
Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing.
Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
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Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL, 40 D BUST, 24" WAIST and 34" HIPS!
When she walks into a room, people say, 'JESUS!'
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL, 40 D BUST, 24" WAIST and 34" HIPS!
When she walks into a room, people say, 'JESUS!'
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A taxi driver picks up a nun dressed in her full habit. After the nun gives the driver the address the driver decides to engage in conversation and asks "Nuns are sworn to celibacy, is that right?". "Yes, this is true" she answers. He again asks "But you are human after all, right?". "Of course!" she replied. Pondering for a moment he asks "Well, what do you do about the urges all humans have?". "We resist the best that we can. Some remain celibate, some fall from grace.", she replies. After a few minutes of thought the driver then says "Sister, I have to admit that I have always held a fantasy about nuns". She asks "Well, what religion are you?". He states "I am a devout Catholic!" After a brief pause the nun says "I can work with that" and tells him to pull off on a side road. He does and she climbs over the seat, unzips his fly, and proceeds to give him the best oral pleasure he has ever had. Once done she climbs back into her seat and they continue to her stated destination. As they pull up to the stop the driver blurts "Sister, I am so sorry but I am not even Catholic, I am Jewish!". Climbing out of the taxi the nun stops and says " That's ok, I am no Sister. My name is Steve and I am on my way to a costume party!".
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A newly ordained priest is assigned to a Convent just outside the city. He takes the train into the city and while waiting for his ride from the convent, he is approached by a working girl. She walks up to the naive young cleric and offers to perform oral sex for $20. The confused priest politely declines.
Upon his arrival at the convent he's introduced to the reverend mother who asks him how his trip was.
"It was very pleasant, Reverend Mother, but there was one thing said that I didn't quite understand and was hoping you could clear up."
"What would that be?"
"What's oral sex?" asked the young priest. To which the Reverend Mother replied:
"$20, same as downtown."
Upon his arrival at the convent he's introduced to the reverend mother who asks him how his trip was.
"It was very pleasant, Reverend Mother, but there was one thing said that I didn't quite understand and was hoping you could clear up."
"What would that be?"
"What's oral sex?" asked the young priest. To which the Reverend Mother replied:
"$20, same as downtown."
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This one is courtesy of Google Home.
How do you circumcise a whale?
How do you circumcise a whale?
Send four skin divers to do it.
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