Tell me a joke...

[olbriar]

 

[olbriar]

 

[Member2035261]

(SPOILER : mild hanky panky reference)
[how to wrap in spoiler again?]

 

[Member2035261]

[replacement for one deleted]


On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

 

[Member2035261]

A drunken Jewish man goes across the bar and breaks a Chinese man's nose. The Chinaman asks "What was that for?" The Jew responds "That was for Pearl Harbor!" "Pearl HARBOR," responds the Chinaman ", that wasn't Chinese that was Japanese!" The Jewish man retorts "Chinese, Japanese, Korean, you're all the same to me."

Some time later the Chinaman busts the Jew in the mouth.

The Jewish man asks ..."Why" The response: it's "for the Titanic". Jew replies "Titanic, that was an iceberg". Chinaman retorts "Iceberg .. Greenberg .. Goldberg..."

 

[olbriar]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to
the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she
was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar
for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what
to give you.

"He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea."

 

[olbriar]

Confucius Did Not Say.....



Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.


Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.


Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.


Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.


Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.


Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.


Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.


War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.


Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.


It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.


Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.


Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.


Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.


Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.


And, Confucius Really Did Not Say...


A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

 

[Milo Willamson]

As a billion funny people can get around to their own microphone, do they have the time it takes in their own mind to get around into itself of telling one's own joke, or is there distractions in the mind?

 

[olbriar]

The Italian Confession
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father…During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people, under those circumstances, can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

[olbriar]

The barbershop
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut"?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said "About 2

hours"

The guy left, but did not return that day.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "how

long before I can get a haircut"? The barber looked around at the shop and

said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left and again, did not return that day.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long

before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,

'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,

but he never comes back later.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?' Bob looked up,

wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house! ‘

 

[Deleted User]

I could tell you a few UDP jokes, and I don't care whether you get them or not.

 

[Member2035261]

 

[Member2035261]

 

[Member2035261]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

 

[psionandy]

I could tell you a few UDP jokes, and I don't care whether you get them or not.

Pack it in.........

 

[olbriar]

Confession Is Good For The Soul
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

 

[Member2035261]

Oirish Detective Test :

A senior IRISH (tough audiences or it's just not funny) police detective was interrogating 3 applicants (trainees) who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?' The first 'trainee' answers, 'That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!'
The policeman says, 'Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile.'
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second trainee and asks him, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?' The second trainee smiles, flips his hair and says, 'Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!' The policeman angrily responds, 'What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?' Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third trainee and in a very testy voice asks, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, 'Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.' The trainee looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, 'The suspect wears contact lenses.' The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. 'Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.' He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. 'Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?' 'That's easy,' the trainee replied. 'He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.'

 

[Member2035261]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself to discover that he has indeed lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years. "The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this immensely muscular, 7 foot tall giant of a man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...".

 

[olbriar]

Grandma Still Drives
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes a letter to her granddaughter:


Dear Victoria,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

 

[olbriar]

The Baptist Cowboy


A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

[olbriar]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he eats to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows this stuff but me."

 

[Member2035261]

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

 

[Deleted User]

Top jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe festival. Winner is -

“Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job. Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”

The best of the rest:-

• "I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
• "I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
• "In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
• "What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
• "I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
• "Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
• "I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
• "Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
• "I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

 

[olbriar]

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, “In veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

“Go ahead, and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,
“The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”

 

[olbriar]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying.

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died…!

The father thought it was a strange coincidence

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma"
The next day the grandmother died…

"Holy Moly," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said: "I've never seen you work so late; what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said: "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning.... My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.