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Tell me a joke...

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by Daniel Fernandes, Nov 16, 2017.

  1. rootabaga

    rootabaga Android Expert
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    'nuther one from "Cheers:"



    NORM: Well, we can just tell him he was brave.

    CLIFF: Hmm, Yeah, like a Kamikaze pilot.

    WOODY: I always wanted to meet one of those guys...the stories they must tell, huh?
     

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  2. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    The Baptist Cowboy


    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
     
  3. rootabaga

    rootabaga Android Expert
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  4. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
    The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he eats to have so much energy.

    The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

    So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

    He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

    He said, "I want five loaves."

    She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

    The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows this stuff but me."
     
  5. Member2035261

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    Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

    They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
     
  6. LV426

    LV426 I say we take off and nuke this place from orbit
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    Top jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe festival. Winner is -

    “Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job. Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”

    The best of the rest:-
    • "I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
    • "I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
    • "In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
    • "What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
    • "I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
    • "Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
    • "I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
    • "Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
    • "I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx
     
  7. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

    They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, “In veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

    The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

    “Go ahead, and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,
    “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”
     
  8. rootabaga

    rootabaga Android Expert
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    The Blue Devil's BB coach probably doesn't get it, either...


    40093135_731743803836109_4066744948777549824_n.jpg
     
  9. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying.

    "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

    The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
    The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

    The next day grandpa died…!

    The father thought it was a strange coincidence

    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

    “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma"
    The next day the grandmother died…

    "Holy Moly," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
    "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

    He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

    He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

    Finally, midnight arrived, and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

    When he got home his wife said: "I've never seen you work so late; what's the matter?"

    He said, "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."

    She said: "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning.... My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.
     
  10. rootabaga

    rootabaga Android Expert
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    A young boy had some very spicy chili and later enjoyed a large bowl of ice cream.

    Some time after, his mother heard him slam the bathroom door and after a bit she went to the door; from inside she could hear her son’s plaintive cries: “Oh, please, come on ice cream, come ON ice cream!!”
     
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  11. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

    Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

    The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

    The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

    The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

    And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks invented sex!"

    The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women!"
     
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  12. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

    “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you’d allow me.”

    “Oh, no, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

    She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

    “Feels great,” he replied; “but I still think my thumb’s broken!”
     
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  13. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
    Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

    Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
    The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
    As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

    "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

    The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

    About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

    The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

    The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

    When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

    "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

    The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

    The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


    "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
     
  14. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    The little boy had been looking out of the plane's window.
    He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
    The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
    The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
    The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
    The boy replied, "Yes, she did."
    "Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
     
  15. Milo Willamson

    Milo Willamson Android Expert
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    Have you noticed at the sun is too far away, because space is so jealous she did not mind at all, maybe the moon also was too jealous too.
    Sorry I forgot the planet strikes yet again, well at least I do not have to quit my other job at least :D
     
  16. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    Not really a joke... but struck me funny back in the day and again when I saw it today.

    How drinking beer makes you smarter
    This was from Cheers as said by Cliff

    "Well, ya see, Normmy, it's like this .. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
    In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
    That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”
     
  17. Milo Willamson

    Milo Willamson Android Expert
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    IT still is funny, I wish all people would drink more, and text hahaha :D
    At least then it would not been less crime.
     
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  18. Milo Willamson

    Milo Willamson Android Expert
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    Have you heard of Art the Artist, heard he was an artist.
     
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    Looking at skulls elsewhere ^
    ... this is a different variation I found of a very old Irish joke about Brian Boru, a famous old Irish King, 941 - 1014 AD.
    I preferred my version where the tourists were in the store just once and saw the second item after making a purchase - - - but I liked the additional second sentence in this one:


    An American tourist couple in County Clare came across a little antique shop in which they were lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 2,000 Euro, the skull of Brian Boru.

    Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

    Fifteen years later the male tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

    'I've got the very thing for you', said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.'
    'You cheat!', exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago', and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.'

    'Ah, said the seller, 'but this is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a boy.'
     
  20. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
    When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act,
    she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
    The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
    by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

    I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

    I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
     
  21. Milo Willamson

    Milo Willamson Android Expert
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    Nabbed that one off Bob's Burgers hahaha :p
     
  22. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    Paddy and Mick
    A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

    Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
    The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
    If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

    Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
    The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

    A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
    The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

    Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
    You were close, but no free sex this time.'

    As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
    'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
    give away free sex at all.'

    Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

    My wife won twice last week.'
     
  23. olbriar

    olbriar  
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    What a secretary..

    It was Harvey’s 40th birthday and he really didn’t feel like waking up that morning.

    He managed to pull himself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping his wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!” and possibly have a small present for him.

    As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” He thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They would remember.

    His kids came trampling down the stairs, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to him. So when he made it out of the house and started for work, Harvey felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

    As he walked into his office, his secretary Annabelle said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.

    He worked in zombie-like fashion until about one o’clock, when Annabelle knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday. Why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.”

    Harvey said, “Thanks, Annabelle, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

    They went to lunch but not where they’d normally go. Instead she took him to a quiet bistro with a private table. They had a couple of mixed drinks and Harvey enjoyed the meal tremendously.

    On the way back to the office, Annabelle said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?”

    Harvey replied with, “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?”

    She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

    After arriving at her apartment, Annabelle turned to him and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

    “Okay,” he nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

    Followed by Harvey’s wife, kids, and dozens of his friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday.”

    And Harvey just sat there…
    On the couch…
    Naked...
     
  24. Milo Willamson

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    Walk throughout time,
    but you are tripping on weed.
    Thank you for your lead into this murder mystery,
    as it comeback to you.
    You then laugh again,
    hit again the weed.
    Lay back and see colors,
    hear shapes, imagine what sound look like..

    Okay I am done.
     
    #224 Milo Willamson, Jan 24, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2019
  25. dontpanicbobby

    dontpanicbobby Android Expert
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    ^^^Not funny.^^^

    Bite my shiny metal A** is funny.
     

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