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Tell me a joke...
- Thread starter Daniel Fernandes
- Start date
A doctor told my friend he finally had a donor for his penis transplant.
My friend asked, "Give it to me straight Doc.. how long have I got?"
My friend asked, "Give it to me straight Doc.. how long have I got?"
CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE PRO MAX IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO JUST BE AN IPHONE 6 ? AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON. THANK YOU!
Milo Williamson
Extreme Android User
If you see a giant talking bunny outside of Easter, do you consider if you did take your medication today?
If not there is a lovely padded room down the road.
If not there is a lovely padded room down the road.
Elderly couple Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, when Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him, swimming to the bottom and pulling him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of the heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna discharged from the hospital, as she was now considered mentally stable.
The Director went to tell Edna the news.
"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have, therefore, concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt shortly after you saved him and helped him back to the room you share. I am so sorry, Edna, but he's dead."
Edna stared the the Director and replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Edna promptly jumped in to save him, swimming to the bottom and pulling him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of the heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna discharged from the hospital, as she was now considered mentally stable.
The Director went to tell Edna the news.
"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have, therefore, concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt shortly after you saved him and helped him back to the room you share. I am so sorry, Edna, but he's dead."
Edna stared the the Director and replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
rootabaga
Android Expert
A gallery owner calls up a struggling artist.
Artist: So how are my paintings selling?
Owner: Hey, I've got good news and bad news...
Artist: Please, man, give me the good news first.
Owner: Well, a guy was in just yesterday and asked me, "Is it true that a painter's works go up in value after they die?" After I told him yes, he bought ALL of your paintings at face value!
Artist: Hey, that's not just good news, that's GREAT news! So what's the bad news?
Owner: The buyer was your doctor...
Artist: So how are my paintings selling?
Owner: Hey, I've got good news and bad news...
Artist: Please, man, give me the good news first.
Owner: Well, a guy was in just yesterday and asked me, "Is it true that a painter's works go up in value after they die?" After I told him yes, he bought ALL of your paintings at face value!
Artist: Hey, that's not just good news, that's GREAT news! So what's the bad news?
Owner: The buyer was your doctor...
A pilot is on the PA talking to the passengers: "We are currently about to reach our cruise altitude and will be turning off the OH MY GOD!!!!!!" A couple of minutes later the pilot comes back onto the PA and says "my apologies for that, ladies and gentlemen, but a flight attendant spilled scalding hot coffee on me. You should see the front of my pants." From the rear of the plane, an Irish voice yells out "Jayzus, you should see the back o' mine!".
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
A: De-calf-inated.
A: De-calf-inated.
An elderly couple walked into a Lexus dealership, only to find out the car they wanted had just been sold to a beautiful, leggy blonde.
The man said, “I thought you said you’d hold that car until we came up with the $75,000 asking price! But I just heard you sold it to that young lady for $65,000! You told me there were no discounts on this model!”
The salesman shrugged with a grin and said, “Well, she had the cash… and just look at her! How could I resist?”
Just then, the young woman walked over, handed the keys to the elderly man, and said,
“There you go, Grandpa. Told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”
The man said, “I thought you said you’d hold that car until we came up with the $75,000 asking price! But I just heard you sold it to that young lady for $65,000! You told me there were no discounts on this model!”
The salesman shrugged with a grin and said, “Well, she had the cash… and just look at her! How could I resist?”
Just then, the young woman walked over, handed the keys to the elderly man, and said,
“There you go, Grandpa. Told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”
NightHawk877
Android Enthusiast
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
He can play any musical instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc., so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up to the bar with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus.
The octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A Scotsman walks up to the bar with a set of bagpipes. He sits them down beside the octopus. The octopus fumbles with it for a while and sits it down with a confused look on his face.
"Ha!" the Scotsman says. "Ye canna' play it, can ye?"
The octopus looks up at the Scotsman and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I can figure how to get its pyjamas off."
He can play any musical instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc., so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up to the bar with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus.
The octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A Scotsman walks up to the bar with a set of bagpipes. He sits them down beside the octopus. The octopus fumbles with it for a while and sits it down with a confused look on his face.
"Ha!" the Scotsman says. "Ye canna' play it, can ye?"
The octopus looks up at the Scotsman and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I can figure how to get its pyjamas off."