The way android processes memory is different than a computer. The system will keep program/processes running for multi-tasking and battery purposes, ie its quicker to start a program thats running in the backround and less battery life to continue it than start it.
That being said Android phones start a lot of crap on boot that you probably wont use and some programs trigger the start of others in the backround. Unless you drop to say under 50mb of available memory you wont slow down or get force closes.
Really the best way, imo, to get around your memory tied up is to root and freeze a lot of apps you have no intention of using (not google apps though, on the sf this will affect market downloads) like vz crapware. Also using autokiller when rooted helps clear backround apps in a way that better enhances androids own memory management.
For example my phone will usually have 160-180 mb free when using auto killer on moderate
Also, its my understanding that android 2.1 kernel cannot utilize more than 256mb of memory anyway. 2.2 Kernel which is .32 and above can so froyo should help with that anyway. The fascinate dedicates a good portion, like 180 mb of memory, to video memory which is why the phone is so good at gaming.
Hope this helped in some way assuage your frustration.