If there is 1 thing... that would make me smile...something I have wanted since I don't know when... then it has got to be this:
But if there is 1 thing that I want more than anything... anything I could ever dream of... it is just some sanity.
Just a little bit... small... tiny bit.
Just a bit.
I just ask for some.
Not much at all.
Not for mountain loads that go as far as the eye can see.
Just a bit... just a little bit of a hill for me.
just a little mound...
People don't realize how vital that is.
That is what I
need.
I
need it.
I crave it...
Sanity.
I need it like I need air.
And to me:
Sanity = Happiness.
Simple.
I could be the richest most successful man 10 000 times over and I could still be borderline insane and miserable like I am at times.
No jokes.
There is an extremely depressed and even worse
disturbing side to me.
DISTURBING
I have been told I am scary ... freaking scary.
Yes.
That may be true.
Happiness to me is overcoming the struggle of madness.
My mind jumps like lightening.
Never consistent.
God being consistent would make me very happy.
I am never here...I am no longer here... I am over "there" some where over that hill...
I am never "here"... I am always over "there" on another planet mining corn flakes... talking to the roaches... climbing the empire state building on a cliff...
I am always dreaming but never doing.
Never do anything about it.
And then the struggle with reality begins again and I hit concrete.
And so not much gets done at all again... ever.. I hate my out of control imagination.
It is dangerous, but the scary part is... it is so hard to control.
It must be impossible.
I am never here.
Never.
I can be in a room filled with a 10 000 people and feel totally alone and be all alone on an island and happy like no other.