Tell me a joke...

@rootabaga
Yeh, will do. I thought some had corrected themselves or your site did something to help the problem, but I never got around to trying again. I also guess I was hoping they would be deleted. I'm on a pc now and will find them shortly.

----
Done.

Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.



The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.



However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.



'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'



--------
OK. 'nuff jokes from the old homeland. couldn't find good ones anyhoo

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the f— putt, didn’t you?”

(GROAN) THAT shoulda been in the Punny section

rootabaga said:

So combining both of those I'm reminded of this old gem...

Click to expand...

Shur begorrah dats a work of geenyus, puttin dem 2 together, dat is.

Heard on the radio :

My girlfriend kept leaving messages saying I should stop singing and humming along to songs from the Monkeys, or it might be over between us.

'They're too dated and you're not that old', she said.

I thought she was pulling my leg. What's wrong with humming any song you like.

I got to see her this weekend. I told her that was funny for sure. That she would end it because of the Monkeys. I turned around, laughing.....

.... but then I saw her face.....

A bit risque' so if a mod would like to put a spoiler tag on it I sure wouldn't mind (I don't know how)

The midget asshole who runs this site...

treb1797 said:

The midget asshole who runs this site...

Click to expand...

?? What was THAT about??

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together
for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by
the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The
noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to
water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would
plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the
couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be
done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a
natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to
wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing
natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his
guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued
to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas
morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast.
She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a
turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to
the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish
grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked
upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still
soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her
husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back
downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she
heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon
followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself
and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After
years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty
minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants
with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and
she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all
those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of
these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these
two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

treb1797 said:

The midget asshole who runs this site...

Click to expand...

Who?

^^^So wrong^^^

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, "Bark! Bark!" "Ah, must be a dog!" says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, "Meow!" and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, "Must be cats!" and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, "Potatoes!"

Pass the beans please!!
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy
and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought
to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this
carrying on." So, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and
the aroma of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All
the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I
have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to
her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to
remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise
not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the
phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk
in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around
her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more,
which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the
conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten
minutes.
When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air
a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands
upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence
when her husband returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured
him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy
Birthday!!

Whatever you do don't ask Google Assistant to tell you a joke...

Me: Okay Google. Tell me a joke.
GA: Did you hear the one about the two houses that fell in love?
GA: It was a lawn-distance relationship.

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.

He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.

Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away.
A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000." "Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." His friend continued. "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

A bit naughty

There's this guy in a bar that's saying he knows everybody, and will bet
anybody on it. So this guy walks up and says, "I bet you don't know Burt
Rynolds." He says come on, they hop a plane to Florida, show up at
Burt's door and Burt says, "Hi Bubba, how have you been? Come on in!"

On the flight back home the guy says, "I'll bet you another $100 you
don't know Bill Clinton." So they catch a flight to D.C. Sure enough
the walk into the oval office and Bill says "Hi Bubba, what are you
doing here? It's real nice to see you again!"

On the flight back home he says to Bubba,"I'll bet you double or
nothing you don't know the Pope." Bubba says "Look I don't really
want to take your money, me and the Pope go back a long way.
Really, pick somebody else." Figuring he's got Bubba on this
one, he insists, so they board a plane for Rome.

When they get to Vatican City, Bubba tells the guy, "Look, they aren't
going to let you in here with me. Stand right here and in 10 minutes I'll
be on that balcony with the Pope." After a little squabble he agrees.
Sure enough 10 mins. later there's Bubba on the balcony with the Pope.

Bubba looks down to see the guy passed out on the ground. He runs down
to see what's wrong and the guy says, "OK, you know Burt Rynolds, you know
the President, but when the guy behind me said, 'Hey, who's that guy up
there with Bubba' I passed out!"