Tell me a joke...

[olbriar]

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women!"

 

[olbriar]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you’d allow me.”

“Oh, no, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

“Feels great,” he replied; “but I still think my thumb’s broken!”

 

[olbriar]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

 

[olbriar]

The little boy had been looking out of the plane's window.
He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy replied, "Yes, she did."
"Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

 

[Milo Willamson]

Have you noticed at the sun is too far away, because space is so jealous she did not mind at all, maybe the moon also was too jealous too.
Sorry I forgot the planet strikes yet again, well at least I do not have to quit my other job at least

 

[olbriar]

Not really a joke... but struck me funny back in the day and again when I saw it today.

How drinking beer makes you smarter
This was from Cheers as said by Cliff

"Well, ya see, Normmy, it's like this .. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”

 

[Milo Willamson]

Not really a joke... but struck me funny back in the day and again when I saw it today.

How drinking beer makes you smarter
This was from Cheers as said by Cliff

"Well, ya see, Normmy, it's like this .. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”

IT still is funny, I wish all people would drink more, and text hahaha
At least then it would not been less crime.

 

[Milo Willamson]

Have you heard of Art the Artist, heard he was an artist.

 

[Member2035261]

Looking at skulls elsewhere ^
... this is a different variation I found of a very old Irish joke about Brian Boru, a famous old Irish King, 941 - 1014 AD.
I preferred my version where the tourists were in the store just once and saw the second item after making a purchase - - - but I liked the additional second sentence in this one:


An American tourist couple in County Clare came across a little antique shop in which they were lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 2,000 Euro, the skull of Brian Boru.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the male tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

'I've got the very thing for you', said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.'
'You cheat!', exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago', and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.'

'Ah, said the seller, 'but this is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a boy.'

 

[olbriar]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

 

[Milo Willamson]

Have you heard of Art the Artist, heard he was an artist.

Nabbed that one off Bob's Burgers hahaha

 

[olbriar]

Paddy and Mick
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

 

[olbriar]

What a secretary..

It was Harvey’s 40th birthday and he really didn’t feel like waking up that morning.

He managed to pull himself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping his wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!” and possibly have a small present for him.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” He thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They would remember.

His kids came trampling down the stairs, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to him. So when he made it out of the house and started for work, Harvey felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As he walked into his office, his secretary Annabelle said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.

He worked in zombie-like fashion until about one o’clock, when Annabelle knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday. Why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.”

Harvey said, “Thanks, Annabelle, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

They went to lunch but not where they’d normally go. Instead she took him to a quiet bistro with a private table. They had a couple of mixed drinks and Harvey enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Annabelle said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?”

Harvey replied with, “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Annabelle turned to him and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” he nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by Harvey’s wife, kids, and dozens of his friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday.”

And Harvey just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked...

 

[Milo Willamson]

Walk throughout time,
but you are tripping on weed.
Thank you for your lead into this murder mystery,
as it comeback to you.
You then laugh again,
hit again the weed.
Lay back and see colors,
hear shapes, imagine what sound look like..

Okay I am done.

 

[dontpanicbobby]

^^^Not funny.^^^

Bite my shiny metal A** is funny.

 

[olbriar]

Would Be Assassin Captured
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!"

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout: “Donald, duck!”

 

[lunatic59]

I thought I posted this before one but I don't see it.

Three couples petition a very exclusive church group for membership. The pastor meets with each couple and explains that as proof of their sincerity they need to abstain from relations for a month. After the month passes he meets with each couple again.

"Were you able to prove yourselves?" asked the pastor?

"No problem" replied the first couple who were clearly past retirement age.
The second couple, in their 40's responded "It was difficult but we made it."
Finally the last couple -- newlyweds -- admitted "I cannot lie to you, we didn't make it. We came close, but last week my wife was bending over the freezer and I just couldn't stop myself."

The pastor looked seriously at them and said "I'm sorry, but you won't be permitted to come back to our group."
"That's alright," replied the young husband. "Costco won't let us come back either."

 

[Milo Willamson]

Someone was whisteling "Dixie" So I throw down some Ozzy's "Crazy Train" at them and gave me a dirty look to me, too bad her name was Dixie hahaaa.

 

[olbriar]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.


She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.

" with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching"


MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

.. but all men...are men!

 

[dontpanicbobby]

Bravo!

 

[olbriar]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"

 

[dontpanicbobby]

An attractive blonde from Cork.
Was playing with my Tactical Spork.
I pressed on her points.
She pulled out the point.
And made me feel like a big dork.

 

[Member2095118]

 

[dontpanicbobby]

Why did the chicken wear red suspenders?
To open the hydrant on the other side.

 

[Member2095118]

TL;DR - OK written badly but I'll put it back :


So I remembered this old joke I used to keep in my repertoire of two jokes decades ago but could never tell properly.

------

Cecil B. DeMille.
THE famous film maker of his time - spanning the silent and talkie era's, and founding father of modern cinema. The most commercially successful “producer / director“ in film history.
(closing Wiki now)

Big movies - epic scale, cinematic showmanship - but olde worlde technology.

Day of a BIG shoot. The most ambitious scene ever.

Town frame built in the desert, 40 wagons, 150 horses, 600 extras, cowboys and indians, a raid, fires, guns, explosions, collapses, crashes, jumps, falls, dust, sand ... shooting, hand to hand fighting, stuntmen versus stuntmen on horseback .....

Still with me...?

NO full rehearsal, just run throughs with the cast.

ONE TAKE ONLY!

Finally everything and everyone is ready.

"Action!"

30 minutes later, the dust and sand settles. 20 minutes of footage to be edited in the cutting room.

Several broken bones, injured horses to be mended, most wagons and infrastructure destroyed. Major clean up tomorrow.

However, from his vantage point, in the back of his open Dusenberg with his assistant, everything went brilliantly to the eye of the director.

"Let's go and speak to the cameramen and take this action back to the studio." "Yes Sir!"

As they drove to Camera A close above the center of the action on a purpose built platform, they sensed there was a problem.

'Sorry CB, with the vibrations, the camera jammed early on. I got nearly nothing. "

" Never mind John, that's why we had contingencies. Take a rest. See you tomorrow!" shouted Mr DeMille.

“Let's go, driver."

Camera B, had the highest viewpoint. “Erm! Really, I mean, Sheez, I... I never took the lens cover off. Oh Man, so sorry."

Disappointed in his selection of cameraman but not discouraged, on to Camera C at the end of the town.

" There was so much dust when the wind came up all a sudden like, I don't think there's much in here Mr C", said the new British import.

"What are you going to do now, Mr DeMille? Shoot it all another day?", asked Stanley, the young assistant director.

"Oh No. The studio wouldn't stand for it. There's nothing left here. No, we"ll expand with Camera D as much as possible and maybe shoot some new close up scenes to splice in between. Let's go to Paddy, and then call it a day“.

Camera D was 90 feet up on a natural rock formation. It took the car 10 minutes to get to the bottom.

On the way.... "What made you choose this Irishman, he hasn't had that much experience?", asked Stanley.

"No", said Mr DeMille, " but he has life experience, he doesn't get flustered, he spoke well, he is enthusiastic and friendly. Yes, I saw enough to like him."

As they got to the bottom of the outcrop... "Look", Mr DeMille pointed, “There's Paddy with his feet up, the camera covered, a newspaper and a pint in his hand. .Relaxing after a job well done!"

" Paddy! Paddy!" Mr DeMille shouted up loudly.

Eventually Paddy stirred and came to look down.

" Ah! How's it going, Sir?"

"Great Paddy. Everything OK?"

" What? Aw sure, couldn't be sweeter"

"Great Paddy, we'll see you later. Let's go back driver", and he waves back as the car swings away.

"What?' Yells Paddy, "Oh, Aye, Sure.. Sure" he screams, and smiles down with a thumbs up.

Mr DeMille smiles and waves as they both look back to Paddy a final time.

Paddy, tbumb in the air, shouts in conclusion :

"Absolutely! Aha!
READY WHEN YOU ARE, CECIL!! Aye. Aha!"